she killed a baby for a nose job. we cant all be brave.

Today... I came upon an outcry.
A woman who had been named the most shameless woman in Europe had done another terrible thing. She had committed a high moral crime. "She is a pig, a slut, a terrible human by all standards". The world's non specific association of women was saying. I read her story. I followed her historical time line. And I couldn't help but feel like the rest of the world was right. The caption said it all.
WOMAN KILLS HER BABY TO GET A NOSEJOB.
Wow!!!"

I found myself repeating over and over again and soon after reading the first few lines of that article... I did what most humans do so unwittingly. I judged her!
Don't get me wrong... I had a good reason to judge her. I mean common! Who kills a baby to get a nose job? But then I started to read further... and turns out she had an abortion because she had a huge debut into the porn industry coming up and the baby was proving to be a stumbling block. She had walked into a cosmetic hospital and asked for a nose job, the doctor of course was happy to provide her with the service. But then she mentioned she was about two months pregnant and the doctor said "oh no way... we can't do it while you're pregnant."
She called a few other hospitals and got the same feed back.
" they can't give her the needed nose for her huge career plunge."
She felt bad. She weighed her pros and cons and considered that she already had three children. She had a responsibility to give the children she did have the best possible life she could afford and she had finally come to the brinks of being able to do that. The problem is that the twelve weeks old foetus would stand in the way of this. She had to make a tough decision; Either she gives up her porn modelling career by giving up her nose job or have an abortion and be able to do what she so desperately wanted. She did what she had to do and here we are.
I know I'm starting to sound like I'm on her side but let's call a spade a spade. She has three children already and the extra one would need food, shelter, clothing and all this cost money. She had to choose between a source of livelihood that could be her big break and an extra mouth to feed. Between an asset and a liability. She chose the asset and we judge her for it.
Yes!
She could have done better. She could have made better choices. For God's sakes she is only twenty five! She has three children? Damn that's a lot to have at that age. And they are from different fathers? Shit... that's some crazy assed b***h!
I know these are the things anyone hearing her story for the first time would think. But people let's not forget that our lives, experiences and circumstances that determine what path we take are different. She is a porn star with three children who sacrificed the chance to have another baby for a chance to move up the ladder in her profession. This is no different from girls who have abortions because they are set to go to law school in a few months and do not want to go in with a bulging tommy. This is no different from young girls in high school who have abortions in order to give their ambitions a chance. This is not really different from people who amputate a limb to save the body or those who break the melon open to get to the juice  in it. It's not pretty sight but sometimes we have to make the really tough decisions in order to get to where we need to be.
Life they say is not a bed of roses... but then does it have to be a bed of thorns? life can have some really shitty timings and there's often nothing we can do about it. I mean why couldn't her opportunity come before or after that pregnancy? Why couldn't the pregnancy come before or after her opportunity? Why the coincidence?
Sometimes though, we are given some really tough choices to make. Perhaps we close our eyes and take a huge leap, take a fifity-fifty chance. But then sometimes we decide to take our lives into our hands and stir our ships ourselves and not leave it to the blowing of chance winds. Like Leona Lewis said... we can't all be brave... but then let's try not to pull the brave ones down.

my ramblings on reading between the lines.

Once... I asked a toaster "Is it that you are this old and accomplished and yet without a girl? " He said to me... "I have a girl... but we have issues and I'm absolutely stealable." Damn I liked him. It was tempting to jump in with both feet. But then, I read between the lines. He has (*not had)a girl... they have issues... (not had... they are trying to fix the issues)... and he is willing to stray for a while and ultimately find his way back to her. I wasn't hurt by that realisation... I was taught. I smiled like it was funny and left with a heart ready to burst. But I left with my shoulders squared and would today look at the whole issue and smile... because now, It is genuinely funny. How could he have been so smart and how could I have been so smarter because even as I looked into his eyes with all innocence (or seeming innocence) I can remember vividly thinking... "this is such a terrible bore." He saw me as a distraction... I saw him as big bag of boring bones. At least I distracted him. So many things about life leaves conscious and unconscious impressions on us. Life is what it is... something to be enjoyed and appreciated. I have however come to the discovery that very few people will go out of their way to make things easy for you. That is your duty... your personal responsibility. Everybody wants to be happy, and very few will actually try consciously not to hurt anyone in their quest for happiness. The issue is not for you to make everyone like you enough to not want to hurt you... it is not possible. the issue is to be able to recognise the many times in life when people will need something and will try to take it even if will hurt you. The issue is to realise that sometimes... even though you also want what that person seemingly wants, you are better off without it. There is never going to be a time when the world doesn't swallow the weak, when fish don't eat each other for growth, and when even humans literally or figuratively ride roughshod over fellow humans in order to get what they want. It is left to you to decide if you want to be the victim or you want to be the... whatever the opposite of victim is. I guess it was fair.

what to tell your children on pre marital sex1

Recently, in a post I read on a Whatsapp group page, someone postulated that we exchange spirits, characters, personalities etc when we have sex. And that when we have sex with many people, we become confused as we adopt their ideas in addition to all the other people we have had sex with. This person pursued further that multiple personalities disorder is a result of this unhealthy sexual lifestyle. I read patiently and to be candid was highly disappointed. I suddenly realised why teenage pregnancies and sexual imorality prevails in our society. This person has put together a group of grossly unrelated issues in order to put out an idea that is both stupid and almost absolutely shameful.

On the point that when we have sex with people, we take on their characters, their spirit, their ideas and ideals and so on... I am pushed to ask, "if this is true, why do people who have sex fight? I mean since they now have each other's personality... why do they have disagreements?"
The truth is that, after living together for a very long time. Eating, making love, sleeping, fighting, making up... you and your partner will start to look alike. Act alike, talk alike, and even have similar opinions about issues. This happens in most older couples but it also happens in some young couples. It's all a matter of connection. If under those sort of circumstances you feel that spirits have been exchanged, i'ld then point out people of same sex who don't have sex but live together and  because of their closeness, they have these same features.
It is highly unhealthy to have people circulating stupid posts like that in our society because of the mental and educational health of our youths.
When you present reasons like the ones above in that article to a teenager... you will momentarily instill fear in them but they may be young... they are not dumb. Soon they will get convinced by someone else who has more practical reasons why they should have sex outside marriage more than you . They will say to each other... (don't mind them, they are superstitious.) and they will dis obey you. Even the bible says nothing about sexual partners putting spirits in each other.
Give the kids some practical reasons. Real reasons. Sensible reasons... and guide them. Don't preach at them, don't judge them. Be their friend and cultivate a habit of telling you everything in them. Only then can you have them in the way you want them to be

WAITING FOR THE RING OR WAITING FOR GODDOT? 2

THIS, MY DEARS IS THE SECOND PART OF THE REASON WHY YOU MIGHT DO WELL TO STOP EXPECTING THAT RING.


The last time, we talked about  how defining a relationship from the start might be a life saver. Why it is not very advisable to go into a relationship in the Western fashion if you are a young African lady who prioritizes marriage and even has a “life plan”.
The first thing we all need to know about relationships in the setting that we live every day is that it is not the same as what you see on T.V.  Don’t get it twisted girls, the everyday reality of African girl who lives on African soil is very far from similar to that of those blond and red haired white chicks. Just because you spend so much of your money trying to look like them does not mean your own experience will change to become theirs or theirs, yours. We need to sit up and decide what we really want… how many guys you are willing to go to bed with before marriage (not that I care very much how a girl chooses to live her sexual life, men don’t get crucified for it, why should women…) but on a serious note girls, there are a few things you need to understand and which no one will really tell you.
A girl and a boy of exactly the same age have a mental and emotional growth difference of a minimum of five years. Girls are the older bunch. This is why it is important to be with a guy that is about five years older than you in order to increase the chances of you guys being on the same level mentally and emotionally. Wanna try something, girls just think of a twenty five year old girl that you know. What is she doing right now? Lemme guess, she’s either in a very serious relationship, looking for a very serious relationship or even married or engaged to be married. She’s probably got her life straight as far as what she wants to do for a living is and she even has plans on how to move forward in life. GBAM!!!
Now let’s look at her counterpart the twenty five year old man
He’s got a very nice, expensive ride but lives in a one room apartment and has everything upside down. He goes clubbing every other Friday night and is seen with different ladies at different times. He spends most of his spare time playing video games and watching football matches. If asked where he sees himself in five years, he doesn’t have a clear picture. He plays loud music all the time and might even have a stash of marijuana somewhere in the house. If he’s got a job, he’s probably complaining that it doesn’t pay him enough but yet he’s not making any real efforts to get a better job. He lives on junks and generally carries around a pack of condoms. You just have to know where to look.
NOTE:  Age here is a very fluid idea and physical or actual age is not necessarily a determinant of how a person can be perceived. You have to figure out where the people in your life belong.
Well, I know there will be some exceptions to the rule… but these stereotypes of mine were gathered with months of research. So here is the deal, the age of a man is not necessarily the only determinant of his husbandability. There are thirty five year old men who exhibit the characteristics described above. And there are twenty four year old men who are actually matured minded and ready to face life. It is left to you to decide which your man is. A twenty five year old in the body of a thirty five year old, Or a thirty five year old in the body of a twenty five year old man?  Both categories have their own defects, its just a matter of what you want.
Yes I said it… what do you want babe? What do you want right now? Sit down, make your decision before you put yourself out there.
If what you want is a one night stand, then you should not be playing around the boys who want something else. You should look for someone who wants a similar thing… that should not be too difficult as men generally love the very sound of it.
On the other hand, if what you want is a friendship with benefits, with no strings attached then you should also know how to go about getting what you want
But if what you want is a wedding, then please go after the marriageable men. Don’t try to get a ring from a toddler just because he can buy you stuff and make you cum, eventually, you will end up throwing the ring back at him in desperation to leave. Look for a matured man who wants the same things that you want and has similar plans with yours, the plan is very important
He might be responsible and matured but what are his plans?
Two years?
Three?
How long from now is he thinking of getting married? The plans have to fit yours, because if you dive into the relationship blindly without knowing his plans, you might be in for the biggest wait or maybe the biggest disappointment of your life. So my dear don’t be shy to ask, don’t be afraid he will think you’re forward. Ask him. If you ask him and he thinks you are forward… that’s your cue to know that he's not matured in the first place.
Also my dear ladies, before someone will mail me about how she's in love with a twenty year old… let me answer the question of if you fall in love with the “wrong person.”
Firstly, There is no such thing as being in love with the wrong person. Not really.
In loving that person, your brain combined a couple of signals that it received from you through the things you value. If you are a thirty year old woman who is waiting for a twenty year old to propose, well, nothing is impossible on our earth but then if you want to reason logically, you will realize that a twenty year old is more likely to buy a two seats convertible Mercedes that he cannot afford than a thirty five year old man. Why? Because he has no kids and hes not looking at having any soon. He can afford to be in debt so long as he’s got his toy car. He doesn’t give anyone lifts, his car has only two seats he spends all of his time trying to get laid or get high and he has no immediate plans of changing from that particular lifestyle.   Does all these match your plans?
Secondly, the

re is no such thing as “I can change him!”
Babe, you are not God. And most importantly you are not him. The power of changing himself is in his hands and you can only influence. If you think a guy that had no immediate plans for marriage will change his mind after you have cooked and cleaned for him for one year, you are in for a serious disappointment. After a year, if the ring doesn’t come and you leave, he will just go on and find another clueless babe like you who will pick it up where you left off.
So dearest girlfriends… this is the time of decision. Sit and consider all of these things. If that ring is not forthcoming, It might be because it is NOT forthcoming. Don’t break yourself while trying to make yourself. Find your match and strike the match.

waiting for the ring or waiting for Godot?

Should you really be waiting for that ring with bated breath?


Good morning people. It's the beginning of another week and I'm here again to bother you with issues that many would rather not discuss. I know I can be annoying, but isn't that one one of the things you love about me?
The issue in our discussion board today is that of the progression of relationships between opposite sexes. Now, as we all already know... the standard traditional marriage process in Africa is that of the betrothal. Where the couple might be betrothed for years without even knowing each other... well, times have changed and so have societal values on how a couple should get married. These days, the western standards of moving a relationship from the point of "relationship" to the point of marriage has taken over the former standards and even though the western standard is interesting and romantic on many levels, it often leads to uncertainty and many years of wasted efforts both body and soul wise.
The western standards encourage you to start from nothing, maybe remain at "nothing" for a while before moving on to the "relationship". Then when you are in the relationship... you have to just roll with the tides and wait for the man to propose with a beautiful jewel.

The African traditions take different stands. If i take the Yoruba people of West African Nigeria for example, it is believed that the moment you walk up to a girl, you are a minimum of 40% sure about her. The rest of the job is done by your family who then conduct an extensive research on the girl and as soon as they are satisfied that she isn't likely to have inherited any terrible disease or behaviour from her ancestors, they approach her family on your behalf and if all goes well, the dates for the wedding is soon set. It is not a rare thing for a young man to approach a lady and then lose interest, but then... it is also not common.
These days we see people who post questions on social media, asking advice on how to get "the ring" or a "proposal" from their beloved. It is heart breaking because often times, these are people who have invested, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and even spiritually in their "relationship". This then poses a dilemma on if they should just talk to their partner about marriage (since he's not taking that lead) or wait patiently in the fear of being perceived as wayward or forward.
The media has not helped much as ladies who try to define relationships from the start are often labelled as "desperate" as portrayed in a song recently... according to the rapper, these ladies say "we might not get to date if you don't pick a date" and we all sing along without understanding the depth of the lyrics of the song. The truth is, the idea of not getting to "date" if he doesn't "pick a date" is the ideal idea. Though not meant to be literal...
It is important to know what you're doing before starting to do it. If you are having a casual sexual relationship, then be sure about it... if your own thing is a friendship that was never meant to become sexual, then clarify that... but if you are dating with the hope and possible intent of tying the knot someday soon, then my dear... Know what you are getting into. Be clear from the beginning.
Don't join the clique of people who say "the start doesn't matter, what matters is where we are going".
My question is, if you do not know where you are coming from, how can you claim to even have an idea where you are going?
When the lady in that song said "see me see trouble, Oga you must marry me o... we've been dating for many years now you want to leave me follow Bola..."
She was depicting the height of emotions that run through the soul of the woman scorned. In order to NOT be in the shoes of the character she depicted... better "pick a date before you start to date".


See you soon in the second part of this discussion. Adios!!!

you dont need to be a man to be equal to a man.

Before I write this... I know that majority of people who know me know that I am a strong feminist with rigid beliefs about issues of equality in society and most obviously... marriage. This article does not make me any less of a feminist. It just brings another light to how I practice and see feminism. Happy reading.


For a few years... especially since I have fully grasped the idea of feminism and started exploring it from different angles, obviously trying to find one that perfectly matches my idea and ideal of what feminism should be, I have been of the school of thought that claims that "what a man can do... a woman can do better." this belief has single handedly pushed me into behaving in a certain way, acting and reacting to issues in a certain way and seeing men in a certain light. In essence, my feminism blinded me to some things that otherwise would have been picked up by my rather intelligent mind(i like to think I'm intelligent, don't burst my bubble if you think differently. ;-)   )
As a feminist, I used to complain that mothers... especially African mothers bring up their daughters strictly to be wives. They make the Girls learn to cook, clean, wash, And take care of little ones. Almost as if these things are the keys to a happy marriage. I used to complain bitterly about the obvious carefree attitude with which young boys are brought up and the obvious free reign they get from parents and guardians. Girls in contrast are brought up in a strict enviroment... trained to be subservient and obedient to husbands, discouraged from ambitious jobs and made to think that the ultimate purpose of a woman should be to be married with children. I used to be so angry at all these things that if I was just a shade lighter than dark, you might see the blood rushing under my facial skin.
But then...I woke up this morning after a long time of being blank and the thoughts that found its way to my mind were thoughts of a comment that was passed by a man who was observing me and thought I was out of earshot. " she is more of a man that a woman!"' he had said and at first I was... flattered.
This morning, it occurred to me that that statement was not in anyway complimentary. In fact, it was near insulting. I am a woman, I dress like one, I look every inch like one, (forget the flat front and back) I walk like one, I have the voice of a woman, ive never wanted to be a man, (except of course in those Christmas plays where a boy gets to play Joseph all the time. Why can't I play Joseph for a change) And I don't think I will ever want to be a man. (at least not in this life)
Somehow in my blind feminism, I had forgotten that the point of being a feminist woman is to first be a female. And in this case, in my thoughts, my actions, my arguments about life and even my choice of friends, pets, and drinks, I find myself getting nearer to being a man. So I ask myself... is that the goal?
Is the whole point of feminism to be "equal" to a man or to "be" a man? Because if it is to be equal to a man... we ARE equal to men... on many levels, but I see more feminist advocating for women to be men rather than to be equal to me these days and it is not difficult to see the slow but sure effects it is starting to have on our society.
First, lets ask... what is it that makes a woman a "woman"...?
Many will tell you many things... I am one of those many so you don't have to take my word for it but as far as I am concerned, the major deference between a man and a woman... is not in the physical features as many like to think... because if it is... it would be almost impossible for men to mimic a woman's body features as outrageously as they do these days. Rather the unique difference between a man and a woman is the mental, psychological and spiritual composition that makes one to need the other so badly. A man's natural instinct is to guard... a woman's natural instinct is to guide. This is because a man's physical strength is more suited to the role of guarding and a woman's sweet loving patience is better suited to guiding. It had taken the human species millions of years to evolve and evolution has helped bring out our strengths. And re assign our weaknesses. A woman would just naturally know her little one better, would see her little one more clearly, would understand their needs more innately... this is not to say a father does not also love his little one, but what does he do to show his affection,,, he builds shelter, he provides food, he protects. These roles can of course be switched and interchanged due to circumstances and powers beyond our control, or maybe within our control. But then, it would not come naturally to a man to check the diaper of a baby for wetness if the baby would not stop crying, it will not come naturally to a man to put a baby over his knees and pat his back to help him belch/ prevent constipation... it won't come naturally to a man to put his mouth over a baby's nose and pull out sputum and blockages if the baby is fussy and finding it difficult to breath. A man can learn,,, a man can make efforts, but a man can never be a woman. The same thing goes for women who try to take on men's roles.
We are different, two pieces of a puzzle that will only fit if they are different. The match can only be made if we are different as there is really no point in having two dad's in the house. The double dose of dad will not be healthy for the baby and this explains why even amongst gay couple, one would seem rather feminine and the other masculine.
Women these days take on jobs that take them far away from the home... jobs that afford them little time to be with their families and gives them less feminine considerations. These jobs are taken because it affords the woman more room for ambition and allows the woman to take home more cash. There is nothing wrong with having money or ambition for that matter, the problem that I have is that these jobs then go on to take away a woman's femininity and she comes home each night, having lost yet another bit of her feminine side. Most of these jobs do not afford maternity leave and do not take into account the fact that a woman who is nursing a baby might need more than one lunch break. These jobs often do not afford workers the chance to go home earlier than 6pm and thus leaves the children distant from the mother who is naturally wired to be close to them. The thing is a man will not become a woman simply because his woman is turning into a man, he might try to do the things necessary for his children, but nothing will beat your place in the lives of the kids and this single fact can go a long way in determining how your children turn out to be.

Difference does not erase equality, difference does not make you inferior to your man, rather it is in your difference that you find the things that give you the leverage that you think you might find out there when you try to mimic a man.it is in our soft breasts that our babies find nutrition and even though a man can bottle feed the baby, nothing will ever be the same as you. Breastfeeding your baby at the expense of a job does not lower you, it raises you above the quest for money and fame above which your husband might never be able to rise because he is just not wired to!
He is different, but with that difference comes weaknesses and strengths. The only thing is that he has been able to make the most of his strengths while down playing his weaknesses, that is exactly what you should do.
I understand that the absence of a (responsible) man in the home might push the mother to want to take on the roles of a man, and I utterly respect women who step into these shoes and actually pull it off, but in cases where the men are available and responsible please let the man be a man and you be a woman. Don't try to be him, if he wanted another man... he knows where the men are. He chose you for you and you chose him for him... don't forget the first rule of attraction, DIFFERENCE!
All I have said above do not place you at a position of subservience to him, you are the other item that needs to go on the scale for balance to occur, you cannot afford to be masculine, it will tip the scale dangerously, this is not to say women should not be ambitious... rather, women and more importantly, girls should be made to understand the true facts behind certain jobs and occupational lines. Maybe if they know what they are getting into, they will make the same choices, maybe they wont... it is not left for us to decide, lets stop encouraging girls to be men, you have to be feminine for feminism to affect you, becoming a man is not feminism, understanding, appreciating and enjoying yourself as a female is feminism.
The logic in feminism is to understand that you are different from a man, to appreciate your difference and to not be apologetic for it. It does not make you dependent to expect your man to provide for his family... that is his role, he is naturally wired to do that. You should not apologize for expecting your man to fix the leaking roof, it's his role... but then do not expect him to understand the intricacies and politics of understanding a child's body and mind... it's not his thing, he can learn out of interest and genuine love for his children, but nature has made you the jack of that trade. Women should stop trying not to be labelled as "gold digggers" You are MEANT to be a "gold digger". Don't apologise for it. If you feel that your requirement for a husband is a man that can afford to change your car every seven months, then my sister go for that... if a man that has his own house and two cars is your standard... then go for it. Don't marry a man that cannot provide for you and your children. If you do, you will eventually have to take on the role of a man and this will kill your femininity. You are female, remain so. Remain proud and till next time we meet, remain blessed.

It is interesting how life often turns out. Again, I got confronted by the choices i make, and again I am proud to say I learned from my mistakes. A friend of mine met a guy recently on a social media and well, one led to two and a few weeks later while she happened to be in the same town he lived, she visited. Before this meeting, they had agreed to date and the visit was like a "meet and appraise him, decide if he's what you want" kind of meeting. It was a  busy day, the day they met. Even after they had met, they didn't get to settle down and really say much to each other. Later that evening, while they sat down side by side, the first thing he did was make sexual advances towards her. She rebuffed it of course and it set him in a foul mood. The whole affair was embarrassing to say the least. Having gotten the impression that he was a disciplined guy who was looking for something real and maybe true. She was grossly disappointed and disillusioned. After they parted, she started thinking.
"Is it that i was wrong in my reading and perception of this guy?
Is it that I presented myself in a way that encouraged him to behave in that manner?
Was it something I said?
Was it what I wore?
Did I look at this guy and see what I wanted to see and not what was there to be seen?"
All. Of her thoughts were channelled towards one thing only: that there is something wrong with her, that she had passed the wrong impression etc...
It just never occurred to her that it might be his fault. That there might be something wrong with him and not her. That he might have made efforts to deceive her, that she might have been just what she ought to have been. That he might be the one without morals.
Anyways, she was feeling very bad and I tried to make her see reason, but the more I pacified, the deeper she sunk into that abyss of depression that women are so easy to Topple into. Eventually, out of frustration, I decided to leave her in the house and go out. Presumably to clear my head, I came back with the following opinion.
She had been too eager to see him. My friend had fallen into the category of girls who start planning the wedding five minutes after Meeting a man online, offline or wherever. She was tilting towards the desperate side even though she was young and had quite a bit of time on her hands to meet a man. Maybe due to pressure from home, or maybe she was just less ambitious than I thought she was, my friend was packing quite a bit of societal ills typically female vices.
On the other hand, the guy was a bit of an asshole. Self absorbed arrogant bastard who thought himself too irresistible. He obviously had a self esteem that tilted dangerously toward impossible. He saw her as a creature who was designed strictly for his pleasure and did not see the need to discuss anything. He didn't feel the need to get to know her, her body was another issue entirely. Who can blame him? Our society is one that not only excuses but expects it's men to be animals and a man who is respectful towards women is considered a sissy. Or better put; "woman wrapper"
Our society encourages women to be virtuous but does not encourage it's male population to be the same. Well what can I say... I'm just one person.

Ever wondered why sometimes you feel like your parent(s) are trying to control  you.  Control what you do,  when you do it and who you do it with?
Ever been so angry and frustrated with them? Ever wished you could just pack your bags and leave the house...  ever wanted to just look in their eyes and say "Damn it dad/mom,  its my life!
Well,  my dear,  ve been there...  done that. And this is what I have to say about it.  Remember that my take on this issue is not the final or even a professional opinion.  But if you do not mind taking it from someone like me who is provably ten times more messed up than you,  here it is.

Sometimes ago in a conversation with an older woman,  I asked her why she was so desperate  to have more children,  (she already had two) she told me and I quote
quote; My dear,  a time often comes in a persons life when we look back on our entire existence  and start to feel bad.  We start to think we have absolutely  fucked up.  We start to see our failures more vividly and start to wish we could re do things over again.  This period  is sometimes refered to as the period of the mid life crisis. At this point of your life,  if you have a child or more,  you might be able to see them as a chance for a do over.  A chance to start over and do things right.  These children will become little carbon copies of ourselves that offer us a better chance at life. If you do not have this at this point in life,  a feeling of hopelessnes might set in.
I looked at her and it struck me like thunderbolt.  She had just described what I have witnessed so often in my life and I started to gain insights into why it often seems like our parents are trying to control our lives.  Make us do strictly what they want and nothing else.  It began to dawn on me that in trying to control our lives,  what our parents are actually trying to do is to re-live their lives correct old mistakes and start afresh.  They are attempting to make a grab for a blank slate of sorts.
This is not absolutely  healthy of course because try as they may: to merge our lives and theirs,  we are still individuals  and we have our own mind,  will,  and Destiny  if you will.  But  some people say its the thought of the deed that counts?  If this is even remotely true,  then it will make sense to know that in our parents efforts to control our lives,  there is one thought only;  have to get it right this ti and well,  in its own way,  its not such a bad thing to want to get things right.
Oh...
Before you even say it,  let me tell you that i get its not their life its mine! they have spent their time,  this is mine
Trust me dear I get it.  And I;m not saying that it is good for parents to try  to manipulate  Or control their childrens lies. Im only saying that take it or leave it,  you carry some of their DNA and you might just find yourself falling into the same traps that they did or making the same mistakes that they made.  Letting them guide you is not the worst thing that could happen you know.

On the other hand,  some parents over do it.  They forget that when it comes right down to it,   we are individuals in our own right and we only carry  a part of their DNA  and are not necessarily  going to make the same mistakes they made.  It is important for parents to know that beyond being second chances to do things right,  we are also their first chance at parenting and the aim should not necessarily  be to prevent  us from making mistakes,  the aim should be helping us lead a life that will be free of the burdens of the generations before. Till parents are able to understand that we are individuals  in our own right and treat us as such,  we will be unable to live our  lives to its true potential.  So buckle now if you&re yet to,  its time to understand and love  your parents for their efforts  to make you better than they turned out,  but then it&aupmì;s time to realise that except  you are willing to step out and make your own life,  you will be in their exact shoes in a few years time.

I was lost in thought. It was tuesday and it was becoming clear that. Wednesday might meet me still without decision. Last night, Mom had called into me into her room and with tears in her eyes, (she was trying to hide it) she asked me one question only;
When do you want to get married?
I was confused! I looked at her in my confusion and repeated the key word in her question.
Married?"
Yes married" she repeated. Then before I could show my discomfort at the direction that this conversation was obviously about to take, she continued.
"My baby, I don't. Want you to be out there Too long, you just graduated and  I know you are all about your career right now but I really want you to be married soon"
I was angry, at the fact that she was even talking to me about something like this. But I kinda saw reasons with her so I just walked out of her room with my head bowed.
When I got to my room, I decided to think about what my mom had just said. For God's sake mom... I thought to myself, I'm just twenty two!" I sat down anyway and started to consider who amongst my many boyfriends was most eligible and available at the same time.
There was Kolawole, a final year medical student whom I loved so much and he loved me too! He is so loving, so caring, he didn't bug me and didn't invade my personal space. I love the way we are with each other and to be honest, despite the stress that the long distance had created for our relationship,for whoever gets him, he's a very good catch. But he won't be ready for marriage for another five years or so. If I pressure him a bit, he might do it in three, but I don't want to. I love him and I don't want to put any sort of pressure on him.
Then there is Adedayo. A graduate of microbiology who is so romantic it hurts! He is so gentle and nice, he sometimes has a moment of. Anger but generally, he is a good man who is not afraid of responsibility. He loves me and I kinda love him. But he is also quite ambitious and I don't see him getting married anytime soon. Plus, I don't know if he is a guy. I should even be thinking about in terms of marriage, he has a bit of a womanising streak in him and even though I haven't really caught him, I think... you know what I think.
Then there is Paul. A ready made business owner who claims to love me and want to marry me in about a year's time but I've never seen him before. I know how this sounds but the guy is so sweet and we could talk for hours on the phone. He doesn't seem to ever have enough of me and I kinda like him. Problem is Paul is from Benin and my parents will disapprove of the union. Plus I have political ambitions and therefore need to stay close to my state as much as I can especially in terms of marriage.
Now you see me. Above are the three guys who even come close to the marital table. I of. Course have a few other guys who bug me to death, but here is the basic catalogue.
After I had done this, I thought about what I myself wanted. I thought about the three guys and I constantly found myself wishing this guy were richer and that guy were ready. I found myself wishing I loved that one enough, or that this one were taller. I was confused and I could feel the snout of pressure. Soon, it will be it's belly on my back. Somewhere between my thoughts that morning, it crossed my mind to ask mom why she had been crying, but just I walked upstairs to do just that, I heard the. Gate open and the sound of her car zooming out of the compound. I sighed in disappointment and went to dress up for work. "Maybe she was having a moment." I thought to myself as I bathed my back. But something at that moment filled me with dread. I could feel it... I could sense it. As I stepped out of the shower that morning, my heart was heavy. I didn't know why.
At the office that day around 2pm, my family doctor came over to pay some bills. When he greeted me, he was. Like...
"E ku itoju mommy"
I was like... eerrrrrr yes sir"
and he was about to leave when it occurred to me that he had greeted. Me a bit too solemnly. So I went after him,
Sir..." I said
What exactly is wrong with my mom?"
He looked at me in a bit of a shock and asked...
"You don't know?"
I looked at him askance and he must have seen how confused I was. Cos he pulled me back into my office and said quietly,
Dola, your mom has stage three cervical cancer, I don't know what will happen but I don't know if we will win this battle."
Then he launched into a long explanation of how it all began and through his words, I realised that my mom had only been trying to make sure I was in safe hands before she passed. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and after he left, I was in there for another two hours. The following morning, I made my decision!

why the gap between the rich and the poor will conntinue to widen.

It had all started with nothing. It had all started from nowhere and even though everyone had theories about everything, when it comes right down to it, we know in our hearts of hearts that only the most minor things are actually important. So I ask myself , what is so wrong with our society that makes us all groan under the weight of the economy? Why is it that poverty and its accompanying siblings in the persons of disease, teenage pregnancies, illiteracy, ignorance... Etc are actually the most wide spread and enduring features of our beloved country? Why are graduates becoming okada riders and car wash attendants? Why are our girls becoming little better than prostitutes every day? In asking all these questions, i do not intend to judge any line of profession, for as long as you do not harm your fellow human, in my opinion you are okay. So in my critical assessment of society, I find some very salient causes of poverty, which unfortunately we all overlook all the time. Do you know why there is such a huge gap between the rich and the poor? Because the poor are not making efforts to cross the gaps. They stay and remain in their status almost as if they prefer it. You go to a Nigerian market and find a fully grown man with a small tray of nuts. Everything on the tray would amount to less than 1000 naira and that is his wares for the day. This same man probably has two wives and quite a few kids. Its in my society that you find teenagers between thirteen and nineteen who just wake up and sleep and hang out. We neglect to teach them responsibility and the concept of having your own money. Its in my society that you'll find a man and his wife who live in a one room apartment, and have four or five children. Its in my society that you find a grocery store worth about say 10000 today, and in five months time, its worth as low as 2000. Its in my society that people place more priority on aso ebi than children's school fees and books. Its in my society that you find people in a prayer mountain on Monday morning. Don't get me wrong... Prayer is good... But a mountain on a Monday morning? What is god gonna do, send someone to give you a million naira on the mountain? Every mishap around here is an attack. A spiritual attack. If you die in an accident because you were drunk driving, they accuse the witch. If you burn your house down cos Ure dumb enough to leave a pressing iron plugged in on your rug, its your wicked step mother at work, If you lose all your money because you invested in a business that is on fire, its the jealous people who don't like you. I am confronted with a society where nobody takes responsibility... We all blame each other. We blame the government... The witches... The rich folks... Mediocrity flows freely in and out of us like water through a straw and worse still, we Dont try to make things better. We just grumble and complain every day. If you spend four years in a university studying business and then come out to complain about unemployment, you need serious help. If the government won't help us, what stops us from living anyway? Wasn't there a time when there was no government? Didn't people live? And didn't some get richer and some got poorer? What is to make us better than animals for even animals find alternatives to live when their human masters do not take care of them? Will this maze of foolishness continue? A woman was telling me about her unemployed husband who only stays home when there's food on the table. I'm sorry people... If you have a spouse like the above described one, leave them! They will pull you down and destroy you. He doesn't have a job and yet drives a car... How does he finance it? He claims hes waiting for funds to start a business... Y not sell the car? But no. He prefers to sleep and wake up and worse still he won't help with the kids. Either man or woman, the world we live in is not one where someone should wait on god for financial help. God will not leave the people who are actually making efforts to help you who are more or less sitting in your haunches waiting for him to give you business capital. People I suggest we grow up or continue to grow broke!

questioning reality vs dreams1

I'm walking towards a hill, a steep sloppy hill. Between me and this hill is a deep gulf. So deep that I don't see the bottom. I stand there a while, wondering what to do. The gulf is to wide to put a bridge on, the hill contains my source of life force. I stand there in a dilemma. It doesn't look like anyone is around, yet I see around this gulf a thousand foot prints. A sure evidence of people's intrusion on the otherwise quiet and deserted terrain. I walk a few paces to the left, a few paces backward, forward and right. Somehow, by some folly that I do not understand not care to understand. I get it into my head that I can jump across. So I step back a bit and give myself a head start, as we all fear, I fall right into the pit. And down, deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper I fall, with no bottom in sight for minutes unending! The wait is killing me, I just want to touch bottom and die already! Just as I'm about to give up, (not that there's much I can do about touching bottom anyway!) I touch bottom with a PLOP!!! Lo and behold, I'm in my own stomach. The pit I fell into is in my stomach! Not a pretty sight I assure you all. And no, this isn't a dream I can wake up from. This is happening as real as daylight. But how real is daylight?

INTERROGATING THE INFILTRATION OF TRADITIONAL AFRICAN RELIGIONS INTO WESTERN RELIGION 1

When we learn something new, one of the ways we relate to it is by finding a way to create a link between what we already know and what we have just learnt. Even when the new knowledge involves a complete change of ideology, we are only really able to associate with it by relating it to what we used to believe in. Honestly, I don't know what scientists call this phenomena in human psychology, but here is how I've been able to understand it using the relationship between African traditional religions and the religion of the west that has all but eroded it from the places where it used to reign.

Recently, I was in church and to my amazement, I realised that the prayer points the pastor was giving had very similar components to that of Yoruba incantations. It wasn't this discovery in itself that was so shocking, but the fact that not only didn't any other person seem to notice, they were all saying the prayer points after him with vigour. It there and then occurred to me that the biggest reason that the practice of the western religions have been able to hold firm in Africa is because within the content of western religion, Africans have found a way to infuse attributes of their Indigenous religions. Africans, (in this case, Yoruba people of west African Nigeria) now worship with instruments that are considered. Common to or peculiar to other traditional religions. Take for Instance, the use of BATA, GANGAN, SHEKERE and AGOGO in churches used to be banned because of the original relationship between Yoruba Gods and these musical instruments. Some of these instruments even served as a medium of summoning the Gods.

Another astonishing similarity between the African version of Christianity and the worship of African Gods is the way Africans work themselves into a frenzy through songs and chants while supposedly calling on the Jewish/western god. They would clap and dance and jump and even perform acrobatics and really, apart from the name that they call upon when they pray, there is very little or no difference between them at that moment and other people in the worship of say, Sango;  the Yoruba god of thunder, or Ogun; the god of Iron or even Egungun, the Yoruba representation of ancestors.

Usually, at one point or the other, people might start rolling around and, jumping and behaving weiredly. The pastor would then close in and start saying stuff, invoking the "blood of Jesus" and telling the supposed evil spirit that has taken over the person's body all the reasons why it should vacate the body. This scene that I have painted above is very typical of average protestant and pentecostal churches in my area and at some point, I would often get frustrated by all of this.

Something does occur to me, that if truly, those musical instruments have some relationship with the traditional African gods who are often labelled "demons" by the pastors, then it may be logical to say that in using those Instruments in a building dedicated to the worship of another God, they are inviting the presence of other Gods into the home of another. I don't know about you, but I think It would seem that a clash of titans might be underway.

Does it make any sense to worship a western God like an African God? God is God, and many believe that God is one. But only an ignorant persons would deny the existence of other powers and really, the true identity of the one true God is open to different speculation, interpretations, identification and what ever interrogation any one has for it. If you would worship Christ like you were worshiping Ogun, why worship Christ at all? I believe that when the whites brought their religion and more or less manipulated us into adopting it they brought a manual of how their religion works. Isn't the point of the manual to make sure that people follow a certain guideline on the operation of the new religion? And talking of the manual anyway, it is amusing how when I told someone that "the bible is just a book", she flared up at me, telling me how sacred the bible is. Now that I think of it, the bible is, to christianity (or more accurately to the Jews) what we lack in Yoruba religions and indeed most African religions; a documentation of how everything started, what makes us special, how we should live, history of our prophets and priests and every other fable that has even the most remote link to our religions. So maybe it makes some sense to degrade our religions because one religion just happens to be documented and well, lest I forget, it is the religion of the people who enslaved us for so many years and are still enslaving us now. It is the only economic organisation that doesn't pay taxes in Nigeria.

I'm not holding my pen this day to drag any religion through the mud, only to point out that many practice the western religion because it is the trending and popular thing to do. Just as many become the priest of the western God because of economic advantage. but really who are you kidding? If you claim to be worshipping the christian God and yet you do it in ways that depict the worship of another, I don't get what the point is.

If you wanna be a Christian, be a christian, but if you start making a jumbo out of religion, chances are your worship is nothing and whatever God you think you are praying to is probably more irritated than impressed.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE WORLD. MAN OR WOMAN?

Amongst the biggest pillars that hold any society together is a collective knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. This knowledge is often subconscious and a good deal of the time, no one really comes forth to tell you this is wrong, or that is right. They are things that you garner from your day to day interaction with people. In a recent conversation with some friends, they went on and on about the virtues of a woman, what she should be and not be. They went on to talk about how it is so wrong for a woman to sleep around and why it is perfectly acceptable for men to not only sleep around but also pay for sex. When I tried to argue otherwise stating how wrong it is to castigate women over something that men are celebrated for doing. Almost as if they rehearsed it, the both chorused "it's a man's world". Admist the annoyingly hilarious noise that is common to men when things like this happen; (when they voice something they both agree upon at the same time) I was able to gather my train of thoughts and write.
Of course I don't need to point out that they are men and Therefore understandably biased. But, here is a thought that crossed my mind in the process; what if they are right? What if it's really a man's world?
If for one moment we are able to look beyond the basic conceptual implication of this sentence, we would be able to see what we, as a society have done to ourselves, To the subsequent generations after us and after them also, the idea that this is a man's world has continued to flow in the mind of the average nigerian and perhaps, the average African. I don't wonder why this is so, it is rather glaring isn't it?
The colonial masters would have Africans believe that they treated their women better than Africans did, that we need feminism more than they do, that feminism comes naturally to them and we are the animals who have the female put in a position of subservience. Maybe this is true, but I stumbled upon a ridiculous piece of fact recently; that women who lived in africa about a hundred years before now and beyond have been recorded to have more than one husbands. Divorcing and marrying a new one such that she could have as many as 6 husbands in a lifetime. This is a rather huge discovery judging from its implications. If anything, this single truth means  that in its own way, there was some sort of feminism amongst the African people and perhaps given time and a little push and prod, African feminism could have grown  on its own. But of course we all know that African feminism never got a chance to grow, the Abrahamic religions surfaced and made sure that did not happen. One asked women to cover their heads in shame the other asked women to be invisible. Hidden behind a flowing shadow of black. One places women in the same rank as slaves and animals, the other makes it clear that women are evil; To be controlled and manipulated. To be made to submit to a husband no matter how foolish or numbskull he is. Basically, the arrival of the two Abrahamic religions in Africa spelt doom for the already budding feminism.
Whether Africa had feminism as an ideology or not is not the issue on examination today. Rather, I am here to point out that contrary to what most people seem to believe, laws do not make themselves. Humans make laws. And humans are not made for the laws, laws Are made for humans. Thus it would only make sense for laws and dogma to change from time to time. Society decides what is right and what is wrong, what is true and what is false and what is good and what is bad. Why then does it seem to me that humans seem to have forgotten these facts and instead of man making the laws, the laws are making man, instead of man making and practising religion, the reverse seems to be the case. Humans now walk around with dogma of what a woman should be and what a man should not be. Forgetting that even nature breaks the rules and once in a while, a child is born with one leg instead of two, twins are joined together instead of separate, flowing waters run hot or warm instead of cold, the ground give way and swallow whatever is on it...
One man once asked, that if truly, America is a free country, why do its citizens continue to repeat to each other and themselves that "it's a free country"? Are they trying to convince the person they're saying it to (who probably says it just as much as they do) or they are trying to convince themselves?
In the same vein, why do men continue to repeat "it's a man's world!" is it because they need to say it so often to convince themselves and more importantly, the women? In any organisation on earth, the importance of an employee is determined by how much the employee has to offer. If we are to judge a person's relevance to us by what they can offer us, then in all honesty, it would make no sense to say it's a man's world. But then, we cannot underestimate the usefulness of men in the society. In the periods when a person's relevance or/and leadership qualification is determined by physical strength, it would make some sense to say "it's a man's world' but in the world we live where people with physical strength constantly find themselves in position of service to people of intellect, we can no longer say that it's a man's world because in reality, this world belongs to whoever knows how to break the rules and set new ones.
One of the biggest arguments for why it's a man's world is made by religious people who refer to holy books for proof. Peter said this, Moses said that! Peter and Moses lived in a strictly patriachal world, theirs were times when the rule was to stone anyone who disobeyed the laws to death! Taking advice on how to live your life in a world of today from men like this is many things the least of which is stupid. I know I'm being harsh here but honestly I am tired of people shoving religion in my face everywhere i go. And please let no body bring the Hebrew God into the matter because what God supposedly told the Jews about the laws of existence should not apply to me, a black skinned thick haired African girl. Did I hear someone say I'm racist? I'll show you what is racist. What is racist is God supposedly telling the Jews never to marry outside their tribes. What is racist is killing all of the Egyptian first born sons in order to free the Jews from a slavery into which they walked with their eyes wide open due to their greed. Why didn't they go back home after the famine that brought them to Egypt elapsed? I'll tell you, they didn't go because they saw a chance to be permanent guests in Egypt. I.e not work for much but live there and eat and reproduce. Perhaps if a new pharaoh did not rise, and enslave them, the Jews would have been the ones enslaving the Egyptians in their own land. So, God of all flesh or God of the Jews? Here is the deal, I believe it is okay to believe in God, but God, in creating humans knew exactly what she/he was doing and knew humans were intelligent, blames can be shifted all we want but it seems that we humans only blame other people when things go wrong. When things are rosy, oh well, aren't we just so good at living?
The people who say it is a man's world are not far off the mark, afterall, to who is the whole life of the average African woman dedicated? The truth is it would not be a man's world if we do not constantly make it their world by putting ourselves at gross disadvantages in order to fulfil society's desires.
Marriage now is seen as the end itself and not a means to an end, which it really is. Girls would fight hands, teeth and nails to get a man, only to spend the rest of their lives being subservient. I can understand that beyond the scramble for "wifehood", there is more to life and living and it angers me that other ladies don't. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a wife, but does it have to come at any and every cost? To make matters worse, the men for whom women go to all these extents are often indifferent and un appreciative. They say it is their world, I say yes it is. For as long as women out there continue to rely heavily on men for financial support, it is their world. For as long as women pawn their bodies out to these sick hypocritical perverts for money, it is their world. For as long as women continue to turn blind eyes to their scumbag cheating husbands because they don't wanna fight, it is their world. For as long as women allow these cheap sneaky assholes to put a gulf between them and their sisters, friends, and other women... it's their frigging world. Ever heard the saying; "bros over hos"? Well, my dear lady that is what the male population have reduced the female population to. holes to put their penises. and whose fault is that? Answer that.
So go on girls. Whore yourselves out to them. Spend your time, energy and whatever intellect you have on them. If you're lucky, you will end up alone and miserably wretched. If you're unlucky, you will end up as wife to one of the dogs out there who thinks it's okay to pay for sex but not okay to receive payment for it .Who will marry you and go out there and bring you STIs. It might be their world, but it is YOUR life in YOUR world. So at least take control of that bit.
The only way to prevent this is to get a life. Go to school, learn a trade, get a job, be relevant. Work harder, don't take shit, don't give shit, and for God's sake,  Live!  Get out there and live

HOW ROYAL is "ROYAL" watch out for the blue bloods.

How royal is royal.
In ancient Africa, and indeed, in ancient everywhere else, the mornachial government form was one form of government that was practiced by most countries and societies. In one form or the other, most empires had kings, queens, dukes, chiefs... and power remained concentrated in one circle. The. Masses remained the masses and the blue bloods remained just so. Sometimes, maybe by marriage or very rarely by adoption,  a plebian might find his/her way into royalty but this was quite rare and even when it does happen, it is admist a lot of rukus.
Royalty is a very subjective term. Because really, there isn't much that makes any royal family different from any normal everyday family. And royalty isn't an automatic guarantee of good leadership qualities. Were this so, kings would not have to enrol their sons in the military to study the art of war and the techniques of guarding their people. What I am saying here is this: At one point in history, people started to see that kings were not really different from them. The idea of devine kingship started to fade. Individual plebians started to make efforts to be economically independent and revolutions started to happen. Somehow, the people had gotten it into their heads that trying other forms of governments was not such a bad idea and this they did. One of the foundation ideas surrounding the creation of America was the need to find a place where people could aspire freely to be what they want without having a king to pay homage and taxes to. The idea was to find a place where everyone would have equal opportunities to grow, expand and achieve their life goals without limitation. With the rise of democracy, a large part of the world embraced it, but not all have been able to actually practice it in all truism.
Fastforward to today, using the Nigerian government as an example, I know that many of us like to believe that nigeria practices a democratic system of government, but really, anyone who has ever bothered to look, really look would know that the nigerian system of government might be presidential, but it is not democratic. I say it is in fact a form of mornachy. You wonder how? Here it is:
The Nigerian government public office position are filled through public votes yes?
The candidates that are presented come from and represent political parties yes?
Ticket to contest for these public offices are often so expensive that the average everyday man with an average job and a reasonable income cannot afford it without either stealing or borrowing from people who he will then owe. Yes?
We have had same persons filling one political office post or the other for as long as thirty years yes?
The average years of tenure for a king in old Nigeria would be right about a minimum of twenty years all things being equal yes?
There is a specific Caucus of people from which leaders and potential leaders are chosen yes? If you have doubts about this, you might want to check two generations of political office holders. Of course there will be exceptions such as maybe the immediate ex president, and a few other people. But really, check out the Yar' adua family, the Obasanjo family, the Shettima family, the Sanusi family... and I'm sure that if we dig just a bit deeper we could come up with hundreds of family names that seem to be recurrent in our political books.
Democracy, when it was concieved was believed to be the government of the people, by the people, for the people. The question is who are the people?
More than sixty percent of Nigerians live below a dollar in a day. And as far as anyone knows, sixty percent is a good majority. By economic classification, the likes of many of the people who lead us today do not qualify as "people". Our present president tried to make a "people" out of himself when he complained about the price of the presidential ticket which was at #22m, but wait, did his wife did or did not wear a #10.7m wrist watch to his inauguration?  Would they then qualify as "people?"
Nigeria runs a government based on the ideals of mornachy. Certain families have dictated the fate of the country for quite a while and now, even though we claim that we run a democracy, I hope we know better now.
The main problem that I had with Goodluck Jonathan's attempt to rule. Nigeria again is that I do not see any reason why a single person should rule a country this big for ten years straight. That is just wrong. Especially considering the fact that the people are so dissatisfied with his government. If we wanted to run a mornachical government, well let's get on with it already but please let's just stop lying to ourselves. Just as being of "royal" blood does not guarantee good leadership skills, so it is that just because someone has the money for presidential ticket does not make him a prospective good leader. According to Marx's theory on the structure of society, there are three categories of people in the society: Workers, Peasants and Soldiers. But he seems to have left someone out; Politicians!
The idea of the existence of politics and politicians is not the problem. The idea of making a family business out of politics is the problem. In a few generations, if Nigeria continues exactly the way it is running it's government right now, we will be back to full breed mornarchy and yes, the rich will get even richer, and the poor will get poorer. The gulf between the rich and the poor will get even wider and we will be back to Zero point.

If you want a better Nigeria, if you want to be able to close your eyes in death, knowing that your children are safe from authoritative exploitation through a pseudomornachial system of government, then you better watch out for these "blue" bloods.

You dont love two people, your brain is decieving you!

It's another beautiful day, and as usual, there is something to talk about. It is going to be a discussion about a trend that I have seen around and I'm starting to wonder about.

It is the concept of having more than one romantic affairs and tagging some parties "main chick" or "main guy" and the rest side "chicks" or side "guys". Of course this does not apply to everybody but to those whom it does apply, please patiently read this.
There is a strange contradiction in the minds of humans that even some scientists admit that they do not understand. This phenomenon deals with the idea that a human being can love more than one person at a time. Some say it is not true, others take the opposite direction of view. I say we should talk about it first.
The mind of a human being works in such a way that it organises and arranges things on its own. We can control our mind, yes but most of the activities of the human mind are subconscious and hence involuntary. This means that there is a limit to how much we can control the workings of our mind, the only thing we can really control is what we feed our minds with. It is with this at the backs of our minds that I want to discuss the idea of being able to truly love more than one person in a romantic way.
Oftentimes when we think that we love someone, it is a bunch of waves and signals in our brain telling us we enjoy that person's company. This flow of waves and signals can be associated with more than one thing. Which will explain why the average human has at least two hobbies or two things that they like. With family, it's more of an issue of getting used to because you've been with them most of your early life and possibly having grown up together, you have memories with and about each other but even then, you would enjoy some family members' company than the others'. But when outside your comfort zone and in the world where nobody likes you by default and you don't like anybody by default, liking someone become something that is done based on the signals that your brain sends you about that particular person. And these waves can be influenced by a few things such as the person's appearance, manners, voice, shared interests, intelligence etc...
Now, another thing we need to know about the waves is that is can be replicated from event to event and person to person. Maybe in varying quantities and qualities but the replication of the waves is not something that can be ignored in the discourse of how a person can claim to have romantic feelings towards more than one persons.
Oftentimes when we claim that we are in love with two people, in reality we have been in the process of "unloving" the first of the two for a while and if what we felt for the first. Person was worth anything to start with, the feelings would not just disappear but would go in batches and in fact can be awoken from its slumber with the right chain of events. But if it doesn't awake, and we do find someone whom we start to care about, we might find ourselves occasionally back in the arms of our ex. The reason for this would be the brain's attempt to hold on to something familiar. The new person becomes a pawn in a game that is set rolling by our brain in a bid to correct mistakes of the past, made by us or our ex. This is why we are often warned against attempting a serious relationship with someone who is fresh out of a relationship. (rebound)
I know of two main reasons why we might feel like we are in love with more than one persons. The first is the one identified above, as when we are in a process of falling out of love with someone but the process is incomplete and we find someone new along the way. The other is even simpler than the first but it applies mostly to ladies but also to the men.
As humans, we all have some standard of association.
 Girls go:
"If he doesn't call within the first three days, he's out"
Guys go:
"If she doesn't agree to visit within the first three days, she's out"

And so on and so on.
But really, when it comes down to the real rules, we all have ideals on what our partner should be like. Some of these ideals are subconscious and some are conscious. But really, finding someone who will be exactly what we want, "no more no less" might be difficult so we settle. We settle for the nearest next best thing. At the same time though, we may subconsciously or consciously continue to look out for what we want and eventually, we find someone that is closer to the mark than the person we have. Unfortunately, we might have made some good memories with the person that we had, and well, we really want the new person cos they fit the specifications better. So basically, we can be fooled by our brains when it is making it's adjustments and comparisons. It is left to us to be alert and analyse our feelings appropriately.
Another point worth mentioning is that as we all know, life is an issue of survival of the fittest, the strongest live to fight another day. But sometimes, more than one strong person appear at the apex and it becomes quite a fix to decide which one should stay at the top. In primitive times, such dilemmas would be settled by a match of wrestling between the two apex people. (if they are men) but these days, the fight takes place in more subtle forms and can drag on for forever. This is the point where it is ideal for us as humans to sit down and think. Maybe write a list of pros and cons if it is our thing, but when it all comes down to it, it is a matter of the heart and in reality, it is indeed almost impossible to have exactly the same amount of emotional feelings for more than one persons.



Make up your heart people, your mind won't help you.

police brutality; when will it stop?

The Nigerian Justice system.
Okay so here's a joke I read recently. It is about how investigations are carried out in nigeria. I Know you are probably giggling to yourself and wondering what the hell this lady means by "investigation" because really, no nigerian can say they know of any actual investigation that was carried out by the Nigerian police.
So hey, here is the joke.
American police: chase the thief for. A while, let the thief catch you then catch the thief.

Chinese Police: chase the thief, find the, fight some kungfu and lecture the thief about the purity of souls. Then of course catch the thief

Indian Police: chase the thief, sing him a song with a hot girl dancing. For him, then catch the thief.

Nigerian police: go into the streets, arrest anyone that "looks" like a thief, beat him until he confesses to being a thief. (even if he's not. especially if he's not)


Now this might seem hilarious at first, but really, Nigerians, the joke is on us. The person who has been arrested could be anybody really. This is not necessarily an issue of corruption. This is an issue of police brutality happening all the time and we witnessing it but never saying anything. Yesterday it was Ahmed that was arrested and tortured, tomorrow it will be Kunle. And Yes, there is a recent issue on this. A woman was beaten to profuse bleeding point by police on the allegation that she stole an Ipod. She sustained serious injuries including a broken femur on her left leg. As usual, police has denied it and as usual, Nigerians are groaning silently and praying to God to protect them from sad situations like Poor Karamat.
Day in day out, Nigerians have continued to suffer both from the injustices of a corrupt government and the agony of police harassment. But for how long?
How long will Nigerians suffer in silence?
I'll answer that...
For as long as Nigerians remain silent, the harassment will go on. For as long as police need to be bribed to do their jobs, we are not safe. For as long as bribing a police official remains the norm and more than half of the people In prison cells have no legal representation provided by the government, well... we can figure the rest out.
So go on Nigerians!
Go on giving the bribes, and when cheated by the police, keep mute. Go on turning a deaf ear when Nigerians who have the guts do raise it, and when people raise banners and pla-cards in protest of police brutality, behave like you're not in the country. The table might be rather slow in turning but be sure that it will get to you. Sooner or later, something tells me, sooner than later. So I humbly suggest that Nigerians start talking. Not in their houses, not in the beer parlours and definitely not in the churches.
I suggest we take this talks to the schools. The T.V, the radio, Internet posts etc.

what it is like to be a woman when you are black

What is it like to be a woman when you're black?
Big question huh? And I bet most people do not ask. It. Well here it is.

A woman who is black in an African country is well, two possible things. Either rich enough for people to gossip about all the "sacrilegious things she does behind her back and never to her face. Or not so rich and she would not dare do any "sacrilegious" things.
For the purpose of this discourse, sacrilegious would mean Un African things such as calling your husband by his first name, having maids do most of the house work, not having any extended family member live with you, eating out often, "preventing" your husband from having other women, and well, of course not turning him into a demi god.
Being a black woman is so complicated that a special place might as well be given to that particular gender category. Dont get me wrong. Being African is a thing of beauty and pride in all the right proportions. I use the word "black". Here in order to show the primitive light in which I cast the idea of being "black"


Sometime last week, there was a discussion on the radio about if it is right for a woman to call her husband by his first name and not "baba peace" or "daddy junior". Some people were for the argument and some were against. But in everything, I was particularly irritated by the very idea that they would even make a debate out of how a woman should address and refer to her husband.
Starting with the issue of how a man must be addressed by his wife, this is my tupence on it;
The relationship between a man and his wife is a super complicated one. Except you were there when they met and have been in their lives all the way, it would make no sense to assume anything about their marriage. About a hundred years ago, when men married women who were as much as twentyfive years younger, it made some sense that the women were quite deferential towards their husbands. The age difference was an automatic barrier and for anyone who knows the smallest things about Africa, we would know that respect for older people is a big deal in the African world. It would seem justified on those counts then that women were not allowed to call their husbands by their first names.
Fastforward to today, when age difference between couples these days can be as little as two months or sometimes with the wife even older than the husband. Women are starting to find it increasingly uncomfortable to have to be deferential towards their men. In the world we live in today, old men would stoop to greet way younger women because the women are richer. Age is no longer an automatic guarantee of respect and deference as these things are now earned and no longer anybody's right. Thus, we have to go back to the question of what it is like to be a black woman today. As a woman of African descent, born, bred, and living on the African soil, the first thing that marks or at least is expected to mark your attitude is an automatic deference towards the menfolk. This simple factor thus marks everything else that you do within and sometimes outside the context of marriage and this to say the least is frustrating for women who have evolved. Relationship laws within the structures of marriage has never favoured a woman, even amongst the supposed western educated elite. You are still scrutinised and judged at every point, 'virtue' is still expected of you, and by virtue I mean the nature that makes you make a doormat out of yourself for your husband to walk on and even then, there will still be people who will say you are not lying flat enough.
Anyone wondering why this is a topic for discussion this early morning? Well, here it is.
African women out there reading this, you need to start to appreciate certain things about yourselves and the world you live in today.
1) this is the 21st century and respect is earned and not automatic. Don't marry him in the first place if you don't respect him else you will hate yourself for feeling deferential towards a man who doesn't deserve it. Plus it has to go both ways. You respect him, he respects you. Don't settle for less.
2) "respect" does not mean "subservience", loyalty does not mean "slavery". He is your husband, not God. Something tells me some even fear their husbands more than they do God.
3) give him something to respect. Work, earn your own cash. A penniless woman is a voiceless woman and he/she who controls cash commands respect. Take it or leave it, being a housewife will make you voiceless, even if it is a small store or shop. Get something doing.
4) do not pretend to be "good". Well behaved women do NOT make history so don't even bother giving him the "I am a good wife material" impression. Be yourself and work on yourself positively.
5) being lazy when it comes to household chores is not the evil. Being Uninnovative as to how to get things done IS the problem. Everyone likes a clean and tidy house, even you do. So forget about him for a moment and figure out a way to keep your home a home and not a dunghill.
6) standard is important not just to the man. But to the people around him. Like I said earlier, the cash speaks. Your independence is important to your happiness and your work will give you independence. Family members are not necessarily evil, but the familiarity should be minimal. The age when your marriage is to them all and not just the man is gone. This is the age of marriage to the man and friendliness to his family. Simple.

In the next update, we will talk about other aspects of being a Woman and being black.

why fathers rape their daughters 2 ; the Oedipus rex!

I am going to start the part 2 of why men rape their daughters with the story surrounding the Oedipus complex.

A Greek play written by Sophocles the great tragedian. According to the story, the king and queen has a baby son, but the oracle warns them that the child will bring evil to the kingdom by killing his father and marrying his mother. The parents are distraught but agree that the best thing to do is to kill the new born. The person saddled with this grievous responsibility however takes pity on the child and lets it live. It is adopted by a couple from another city but when the boy grows into a man and finds out about the prophesy of his birth, he runs away from home and soon kills an old man in his farm. He goes into the city, solves their present problems and is made king. He marries the previous king's wife and fathers children by her only to discover later that the man he killed is his father and the woman he married is his mother.

Sigmund Freud read into this text a whole new meaning, pushing that the complex that makes Oedipus marry his mother after killing his father is a psychological thing and has little to do with the prophesy.
Scientists and psychologists have risen to debunk Freud's theories on the parent-child fixation, but it is worthy of note that we continue to see such things in our societies even today. If we say Freud was totally wrong, how come we have continued to see such happenings?
Perhaps, a good deal of men who sleep with their own daughters are indeed sexual predators who do need to be punished to the maximum. But then how much of these offspring rape cases are actual rape?
I read a newspaper article recently of a woman who is asking for help on what to do with her daughter who has basically taken her father for a lover. The father and daughter are apparently in love and are not even doing it secretly. Now I know a lot of Nigerians will attribute this kind of phenomenon to the works of the devil and the enemy. But for a minute, let's ignore religion and spirituality and spiriticism. Let's look at this from a very practical point of view, if you have a pubertal child in the house who would rather talk to her father or his mother than talk to a parent of the same sex then you would know that even though this might not be a cause for alarm, it is definitely a pointer to the potentially super dangerous nature of the Oedipus complex. When parents have squabbles and children take sides, have you noticed that female children tend to stick with their father's and male to their mother's side? That might be another pointer. Finally, if it is true that female children often find it easier to get money out of their dad's as sons are more likely to get money out of their moms, then you'll see where I'm going with this.
 Recently, a young girl who was carrying a six months old pregnancy for her father was interviewed. She claimed that she was raped. Not once, not twice, not thrice. And she got pregnant and did not make any real effort to have it aborted. Plus she refused to give up the identity of the father of her child until much latter. She was fifteen years old when the sexual assault started.My question is this; why didn't she say something after the first incident. After she discovered that she was pregnant, why didn't she reveal who was responsible? Was she scared or was she protecting herself, her father and their unborn child? If she had gone public early enough, society might have prevailed on her to have an abortion, she must have known this because an average fifteen year old would know this. (not to talk of the fact that she was seventeen when she became pregnant) so why wait till it is almost impossible to have an abortion before revealing. For six months, she did not budge. She then tells the world after six months?

The Oedipus complex has been around us a lot. It is everywhere in various degrees. A healthy level of the Oedipus complex might be when a person chooses a spouse according to their perception of their opposite sex parent, but even this can be dangerous.
There is this saying; that the way a man treats his woman is a reflection of how he sees his mother. So let's say his mother was abusive and was a bad wife and mother. He might unconsciously treat his woman with that particular stereotype and vice versa. So basically, the Oedipus complex is a double edged sword that can either save you or kill you, depending on how you let it influence your decisions.

why fathers rape their own daughters. part 1

When I was a little girl of five, maybe less. My dad used to bath and dress me and my sisters for school. Sometimes, when he gets back from work and is so tired and worn that he just lies down on the couch, I would go over there and lie on top of him. I would bite at his nipples and pull the hair on his chest. Sometimes he would just sleep off, but other times he would give me an attitude and ask me to go and sleep like a good girl. Another super bad habit of mine was to refuse to eat my food unless it was my dad's leftover. I had somehow gotten it in my head that his leftovers tasted better and well, he felt flattered and indulged my childishness. We were very close, my dad and I. So close that sometimes, I fancy myself knowing what he is thinking and what he will say before he says it. We would have long meaningless conversations about everything and nothing and I was one hell of a happy kid.

But then, secondary school came and I insisted on going to the boarding house because my sisters did. Unfortunately, and perhaps fortunately, that single decision to be a boarder started the creation of distance between I and my dad. Before long, puberty set in and like all girls at puberty, I created my own world and would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to get out of it for a while to see what the world is really about. The distance widened and widened and widened. Until we barely exchange more than polite exchanges of pleasantries.
The relationship between a man and his daughter can be so beautiful. But also very dangerous. The Oedipus complex, a theory propagated by Sigmund Freud, a philosopher of old is that a child usually has an opposite sex parent fixation such that that child's spouse will be chosen based on the child's perception of this opposite sex parent. This fixation can get so bad that an actual romantic relationship can actually develop between say... Father and Daughter or Mother and Son. We have to understand that the Oedipus complex thing actually goes both ways. The parent can become attracted to their own child, and the child can become attracted to their parent and thus if it is not properly controlled and managed, it can become a monster that devours you, and the people you love.
On the continually ignored issue of fathers having sex with their daughters, we have to note that the Oedipus Complex doesn't always apply. Some fathers are just sick psychos who should be put away. But here is my tupence on the issue:

Fathers who have sex with their children may have a form of the Oedipus complex or the other. But as adult humans, it is our duties to shelter our children from abuse, either from ourselves or anybody else. To women out there, if and when you notice the smallest, tiniest bit of sexual comments, attitude, look etc... in your husband towards your child, please do not be quiet about it. anything that goes beyond the normal father-daughter affection is abnormal and should be discussed with the husband first, and then publicly if you don't think it stopped.
Most sociopaths have been found to be people with a background of abuse: Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse and so on. As children grow, they notice things and are way more conscious than us. Any little complain from them should be taken seriously and addressed irrespective of who the complaint is levelled against. Children know when you have fought for them, so don't pretend to do it, do it. To protect your child and to gain their trust. Let's try not to raise sociopathic kids shall we?

dear bruce, sorry caitlyn Jenner

I know a girl. A young girl of 15. She's got feet size 42 for boys and has shoulders a tad too wide. She's got the carriage of a boy and is taller than most girl I know. She is thick set, with a rather strong jawline that looks like a boy's. More than thrice, people have mistaken her for a boy in my presence even when she's got "girly" clothes on. Her nature doesn't help much, she's doesn't make any intentional efforts to look feminine. She is stronger than most girls her age and parents of boys her age sometimes complain that she has beaten up their sons. Once, while contemplating the transgender idea, I asked her if she ever viewed herself as a boy, with a vagina and would like to correct that error? She smiled slowly and said she doesn't think so. "I'm a girl alright, I guess nature was gonna make me a boy and then at the last minute realised how big a mistake that would be. I am what I am, I won't wish to be what I'm not"

Honestly,
She drew me to tears with those words.
Now, I know people are different. I know sometimes things happen and we wish they didn't, or that we were someone else. But how far should we go to make these things happen? At what age and what cost to ourselves and our loved ones?
Bruce jenner, sorry Catilyn Jenner, you have taken a bold step. And well, I must salute you for it. But really, I need you to ask your self
"at what cost has this happened?"
many people will celebrate you today because they think you are crazy and we'll, isn't crazy the new norm? But in my honest opinion, what you have done is killed your mother's son and offered her a devastatingly ridiculous looking daughter. If she forgives you for this, then of course I'll understand, for mothers are want to do such crazy things as forgiveness themselves.
Bruce Jenner, sorry Catilyn Jenner, you took your children's father away and gave them an extra mum, a not so much of a mom version anyway, I guess some of them will pretend not to mind since there so much money coming in from it. But really, who are we kidding? I know your friends might support you, but then you and I know that if something had gone wrong on the operating table, they would gossip about how ridiculous you look while laying wreaths on your casket.
My dear Bruce, sorry Catilyn, I'm sorry if I'm bursting your bubble but this was a very bad idea. Did you ever play a game of masquerades? Well, if you did, you would know that regardless of what the masquerade looks like, we would always know who is inside it and much later, we might even accuse our friends of misbehaving when in the masquerade. Unfortunately, this Masqurade of yours is not one you can drop. And even though I wish you the best of luck in it, I will always know the handsome man in the Masqurade. And so will many others... people who care about you, people you care about.
Dear Catilyn Jenner, this is just a distant person's opinion and should not hinder your new life, afterall, what do I know about you save for the fact that you were once a handsome middle aged man who sold his soul for publicity. Or in snoop Lion's words, a science project!