What is it like to be a woman when you're black?
Big question huh? And I bet most people do not ask. It. Well here it is.
A woman who is black in an African country is well, two possible things. Either rich enough for people to gossip about all the "sacrilegious things she does behind her back and never to her face. Or not so rich and she would not dare do any "sacrilegious" things.
For the purpose of this discourse, sacrilegious would mean Un African things such as calling your husband by his first name, having maids do most of the house work, not having any extended family member live with you, eating out often, "preventing" your husband from having other women, and well, of course not turning him into a demi god.
Being a black woman is so complicated that a special place might as well be given to that particular gender category. Dont get me wrong. Being African is a thing of beauty and pride in all the right proportions. I use the word "black". Here in order to show the primitive light in which I cast the idea of being "black"
Sometime last week, there was a discussion on the radio about if it is right for a woman to call her husband by his first name and not "baba peace" or "daddy junior". Some people were for the argument and some were against. But in everything, I was particularly irritated by the very idea that they would even make a debate out of how a woman should address and refer to her husband.
Starting with the issue of how a man must be addressed by his wife, this is my tupence on it;
The relationship between a man and his wife is a super complicated one. Except you were there when they met and have been in their lives all the way, it would make no sense to assume anything about their marriage. About a hundred years ago, when men married women who were as much as twentyfive years younger, it made some sense that the women were quite deferential towards their husbands. The age difference was an automatic barrier and for anyone who knows the smallest things about Africa, we would know that respect for older people is a big deal in the African world. It would seem justified on those counts then that women were not allowed to call their husbands by their first names.
Fastforward to today, when age difference between couples these days can be as little as two months or sometimes with the wife even older than the husband. Women are starting to find it increasingly uncomfortable to have to be deferential towards their men. In the world we live in today, old men would stoop to greet way younger women because the women are richer. Age is no longer an automatic guarantee of respect and deference as these things are now earned and no longer anybody's right. Thus, we have to go back to the question of what it is like to be a black woman today. As a woman of African descent, born, bred, and living on the African soil, the first thing that marks or at least is expected to mark your attitude is an automatic deference towards the menfolk. This simple factor thus marks everything else that you do within and sometimes outside the context of marriage and this to say the least is frustrating for women who have evolved. Relationship laws within the structures of marriage has never favoured a woman, even amongst the supposed western educated elite. You are still scrutinised and judged at every point, 'virtue' is still expected of you, and by virtue I mean the nature that makes you make a doormat out of yourself for your husband to walk on and even then, there will still be people who will say you are not lying flat enough.
Anyone wondering why this is a topic for discussion this early morning? Well, here it is.
African women out there reading this, you need to start to appreciate certain things about yourselves and the world you live in today.
1) this is the 21st century and respect is earned and not automatic. Don't marry him in the first place if you don't respect him else you will hate yourself for feeling deferential towards a man who doesn't deserve it. Plus it has to go both ways. You respect him, he respects you. Don't settle for less.
2) "respect" does not mean "subservience", loyalty does not mean "slavery". He is your husband, not God. Something tells me some even fear their husbands more than they do God.
3) give him something to respect. Work, earn your own cash. A penniless woman is a voiceless woman and he/she who controls cash commands respect. Take it or leave it, being a housewife will make you voiceless, even if it is a small store or shop. Get something doing.
4) do not pretend to be "good". Well behaved women do NOT make history so don't even bother giving him the "I am a good wife material" impression. Be yourself and work on yourself positively.
5) being lazy when it comes to household chores is not the evil. Being Uninnovative as to how to get things done IS the problem. Everyone likes a clean and tidy house, even you do. So forget about him for a moment and figure out a way to keep your home a home and not a dunghill.
6) standard is important not just to the man. But to the people around him. Like I said earlier, the cash speaks. Your independence is important to your happiness and your work will give you independence. Family members are not necessarily evil, but the familiarity should be minimal. The age when your marriage is to them all and not just the man is gone. This is the age of marriage to the man and friendliness to his family. Simple.
In the next update, we will talk about other aspects of being a Woman and being black.
Big question huh? And I bet most people do not ask. It. Well here it is.
A woman who is black in an African country is well, two possible things. Either rich enough for people to gossip about all the "sacrilegious things she does behind her back and never to her face. Or not so rich and she would not dare do any "sacrilegious" things.
For the purpose of this discourse, sacrilegious would mean Un African things such as calling your husband by his first name, having maids do most of the house work, not having any extended family member live with you, eating out often, "preventing" your husband from having other women, and well, of course not turning him into a demi god.
Being a black woman is so complicated that a special place might as well be given to that particular gender category. Dont get me wrong. Being African is a thing of beauty and pride in all the right proportions. I use the word "black". Here in order to show the primitive light in which I cast the idea of being "black"
Sometime last week, there was a discussion on the radio about if it is right for a woman to call her husband by his first name and not "baba peace" or "daddy junior". Some people were for the argument and some were against. But in everything, I was particularly irritated by the very idea that they would even make a debate out of how a woman should address and refer to her husband.
Starting with the issue of how a man must be addressed by his wife, this is my tupence on it;
The relationship between a man and his wife is a super complicated one. Except you were there when they met and have been in their lives all the way, it would make no sense to assume anything about their marriage. About a hundred years ago, when men married women who were as much as twentyfive years younger, it made some sense that the women were quite deferential towards their husbands. The age difference was an automatic barrier and for anyone who knows the smallest things about Africa, we would know that respect for older people is a big deal in the African world. It would seem justified on those counts then that women were not allowed to call their husbands by their first names.
Fastforward to today, when age difference between couples these days can be as little as two months or sometimes with the wife even older than the husband. Women are starting to find it increasingly uncomfortable to have to be deferential towards their men. In the world we live in today, old men would stoop to greet way younger women because the women are richer. Age is no longer an automatic guarantee of respect and deference as these things are now earned and no longer anybody's right. Thus, we have to go back to the question of what it is like to be a black woman today. As a woman of African descent, born, bred, and living on the African soil, the first thing that marks or at least is expected to mark your attitude is an automatic deference towards the menfolk. This simple factor thus marks everything else that you do within and sometimes outside the context of marriage and this to say the least is frustrating for women who have evolved. Relationship laws within the structures of marriage has never favoured a woman, even amongst the supposed western educated elite. You are still scrutinised and judged at every point, 'virtue' is still expected of you, and by virtue I mean the nature that makes you make a doormat out of yourself for your husband to walk on and even then, there will still be people who will say you are not lying flat enough.
Anyone wondering why this is a topic for discussion this early morning? Well, here it is.
African women out there reading this, you need to start to appreciate certain things about yourselves and the world you live in today.
1) this is the 21st century and respect is earned and not automatic. Don't marry him in the first place if you don't respect him else you will hate yourself for feeling deferential towards a man who doesn't deserve it. Plus it has to go both ways. You respect him, he respects you. Don't settle for less.
2) "respect" does not mean "subservience", loyalty does not mean "slavery". He is your husband, not God. Something tells me some even fear their husbands more than they do God.
3) give him something to respect. Work, earn your own cash. A penniless woman is a voiceless woman and he/she who controls cash commands respect. Take it or leave it, being a housewife will make you voiceless, even if it is a small store or shop. Get something doing.
4) do not pretend to be "good". Well behaved women do NOT make history so don't even bother giving him the "I am a good wife material" impression. Be yourself and work on yourself positively.
5) being lazy when it comes to household chores is not the evil. Being Uninnovative as to how to get things done IS the problem. Everyone likes a clean and tidy house, even you do. So forget about him for a moment and figure out a way to keep your home a home and not a dunghill.
6) standard is important not just to the man. But to the people around him. Like I said earlier, the cash speaks. Your independence is important to your happiness and your work will give you independence. Family members are not necessarily evil, but the familiarity should be minimal. The age when your marriage is to them all and not just the man is gone. This is the age of marriage to the man and friendliness to his family. Simple.
In the next update, we will talk about other aspects of being a Woman and being black.
