Before I write this... I know that majority of people who know me know that I am a strong feminist with rigid beliefs about issues of equality in society and most obviously... marriage. This article does not make me any less of a feminist. It just brings another light to how I practice and see feminism. Happy reading.
For a few years... especially since I have fully grasped the idea of feminism and started exploring it from different angles, obviously trying to find one that perfectly matches my idea and ideal of what feminism should be, I have been of the school of thought that claims that "what a man can do... a woman can do better." this belief has single handedly pushed me into behaving in a certain way, acting and reacting to issues in a certain way and seeing men in a certain light. In essence, my feminism blinded me to some things that otherwise would have been picked up by my rather intelligent mind(i like to think I'm intelligent, don't burst my bubble if you think differently. ;-) )
As a feminist, I used to complain that mothers... especially African mothers bring up their daughters strictly to be wives. They make the Girls learn to cook, clean, wash, And take care of little ones. Almost as if these things are the keys to a happy marriage. I used to complain bitterly about the obvious carefree attitude with which young boys are brought up and the obvious free reign they get from parents and guardians. Girls in contrast are brought up in a strict enviroment... trained to be subservient and obedient to husbands, discouraged from ambitious jobs and made to think that the ultimate purpose of a woman should be to be married with children. I used to be so angry at all these things that if I was just a shade lighter than dark, you might see the blood rushing under my facial skin.
But then...I woke up this morning after a long time of being blank and the thoughts that found its way to my mind were thoughts of a comment that was passed by a man who was observing me and thought I was out of earshot. " she is more of a man that a woman!"' he had said and at first I was... flattered.
This morning, it occurred to me that that statement was not in anyway complimentary. In fact, it was near insulting. I am a woman, I dress like one, I look every inch like one, (forget the flat front and back) I walk like one, I have the voice of a woman, ive never wanted to be a man, (except of course in those Christmas plays where a boy gets to play Joseph all the time. Why can't I play Joseph for a change) And I don't think I will ever want to be a man. (at least not in this life)
Somehow in my blind feminism, I had forgotten that the point of being a feminist woman is to first be a female. And in this case, in my thoughts, my actions, my arguments about life and even my choice of friends, pets, and drinks, I find myself getting nearer to being a man. So I ask myself... is that the goal?
Is the whole point of feminism to be "equal" to a man or to "be" a man? Because if it is to be equal to a man... we ARE equal to men... on many levels, but I see more feminist advocating for women to be men rather than to be equal to me these days and it is not difficult to see the slow but sure effects it is starting to have on our society.
First, lets ask... what is it that makes a woman a "woman"...?
Many will tell you many things... I am one of those many so you don't have to take my word for it but as far as I am concerned, the major deference between a man and a woman... is not in the physical features as many like to think... because if it is... it would be almost impossible for men to mimic a woman's body features as outrageously as they do these days. Rather the unique difference between a man and a woman is the mental, psychological and spiritual composition that makes one to need the other so badly. A man's natural instinct is to guard... a woman's natural instinct is to guide. This is because a man's physical strength is more suited to the role of guarding and a woman's sweet loving patience is better suited to guiding. It had taken the human species millions of years to evolve and evolution has helped bring out our strengths. And re assign our weaknesses. A woman would just naturally know her little one better, would see her little one more clearly, would understand their needs more innately... this is not to say a father does not also love his little one, but what does he do to show his affection,,, he builds shelter, he provides food, he protects. These roles can of course be switched and interchanged due to circumstances and powers beyond our control, or maybe within our control. But then, it would not come naturally to a man to check the diaper of a baby for wetness if the baby would not stop crying, it will not come naturally to a man to put a baby over his knees and pat his back to help him belch/ prevent constipation... it won't come naturally to a man to put his mouth over a baby's nose and pull out sputum and blockages if the baby is fussy and finding it difficult to breath. A man can learn,,, a man can make efforts, but a man can never be a woman. The same thing goes for women who try to take on men's roles.
We are different, two pieces of a puzzle that will only fit if they are different. The match can only be made if we are different as there is really no point in having two dad's in the house. The double dose of dad will not be healthy for the baby and this explains why even amongst gay couple, one would seem rather feminine and the other masculine.
Women these days take on jobs that take them far away from the home... jobs that afford them little time to be with their families and gives them less feminine considerations. These jobs are taken because it affords the woman more room for ambition and allows the woman to take home more cash. There is nothing wrong with having money or ambition for that matter, the problem that I have is that these jobs then go on to take away a woman's femininity and she comes home each night, having lost yet another bit of her feminine side. Most of these jobs do not afford maternity leave and do not take into account the fact that a woman who is nursing a baby might need more than one lunch break. These jobs often do not afford workers the chance to go home earlier than 6pm and thus leaves the children distant from the mother who is naturally wired to be close to them. The thing is a man will not become a woman simply because his woman is turning into a man, he might try to do the things necessary for his children, but nothing will beat your place in the lives of the kids and this single fact can go a long way in determining how your children turn out to be.
Difference does not erase equality, difference does not make you inferior to your man, rather it is in your difference that you find the things that give you the leverage that you think you might find out there when you try to mimic a man.it is in our soft breasts that our babies find nutrition and even though a man can bottle feed the baby, nothing will ever be the same as you. Breastfeeding your baby at the expense of a job does not lower you, it raises you above the quest for money and fame above which your husband might never be able to rise because he is just not wired to!
He is different, but with that difference comes weaknesses and strengths. The only thing is that he has been able to make the most of his strengths while down playing his weaknesses, that is exactly what you should do.
I understand that the absence of a (responsible) man in the home might push the mother to want to take on the roles of a man, and I utterly respect women who step into these shoes and actually pull it off, but in cases where the men are available and responsible please let the man be a man and you be a woman. Don't try to be him, if he wanted another man... he knows where the men are. He chose you for you and you chose him for him... don't forget the first rule of attraction, DIFFERENCE!
All I have said above do not place you at a position of subservience to him, you are the other item that needs to go on the scale for balance to occur, you cannot afford to be masculine, it will tip the scale dangerously, this is not to say women should not be ambitious... rather, women and more importantly, girls should be made to understand the true facts behind certain jobs and occupational lines. Maybe if they know what they are getting into, they will make the same choices, maybe they wont... it is not left for us to decide, lets stop encouraging girls to be men, you have to be feminine for feminism to affect you, becoming a man is not feminism, understanding, appreciating and enjoying yourself as a female is feminism.
The logic in feminism is to understand that you are different from a man, to appreciate your difference and to not be apologetic for it. It does not make you dependent to expect your man to provide for his family... that is his role, he is naturally wired to do that. You should not apologize for expecting your man to fix the leaking roof, it's his role... but then do not expect him to understand the intricacies and politics of understanding a child's body and mind... it's not his thing, he can learn out of interest and genuine love for his children, but nature has made you the jack of that trade. Women should stop trying not to be labelled as "gold digggers" You are MEANT to be a "gold digger". Don't apologise for it. If you feel that your requirement for a husband is a man that can afford to change your car every seven months, then my sister go for that... if a man that has his own house and two cars is your standard... then go for it. Don't marry a man that cannot provide for you and your children. If you do, you will eventually have to take on the role of a man and this will kill your femininity. You are female, remain so. Remain proud and till next time we meet, remain blessed.
For a few years... especially since I have fully grasped the idea of feminism and started exploring it from different angles, obviously trying to find one that perfectly matches my idea and ideal of what feminism should be, I have been of the school of thought that claims that "what a man can do... a woman can do better." this belief has single handedly pushed me into behaving in a certain way, acting and reacting to issues in a certain way and seeing men in a certain light. In essence, my feminism blinded me to some things that otherwise would have been picked up by my rather intelligent mind(i like to think I'm intelligent, don't burst my bubble if you think differently. ;-) )
As a feminist, I used to complain that mothers... especially African mothers bring up their daughters strictly to be wives. They make the Girls learn to cook, clean, wash, And take care of little ones. Almost as if these things are the keys to a happy marriage. I used to complain bitterly about the obvious carefree attitude with which young boys are brought up and the obvious free reign they get from parents and guardians. Girls in contrast are brought up in a strict enviroment... trained to be subservient and obedient to husbands, discouraged from ambitious jobs and made to think that the ultimate purpose of a woman should be to be married with children. I used to be so angry at all these things that if I was just a shade lighter than dark, you might see the blood rushing under my facial skin.
But then...I woke up this morning after a long time of being blank and the thoughts that found its way to my mind were thoughts of a comment that was passed by a man who was observing me and thought I was out of earshot. " she is more of a man that a woman!"' he had said and at first I was... flattered.
This morning, it occurred to me that that statement was not in anyway complimentary. In fact, it was near insulting. I am a woman, I dress like one, I look every inch like one, (forget the flat front and back) I walk like one, I have the voice of a woman, ive never wanted to be a man, (except of course in those Christmas plays where a boy gets to play Joseph all the time. Why can't I play Joseph for a change) And I don't think I will ever want to be a man. (at least not in this life)
Somehow in my blind feminism, I had forgotten that the point of being a feminist woman is to first be a female. And in this case, in my thoughts, my actions, my arguments about life and even my choice of friends, pets, and drinks, I find myself getting nearer to being a man. So I ask myself... is that the goal?
Is the whole point of feminism to be "equal" to a man or to "be" a man? Because if it is to be equal to a man... we ARE equal to men... on many levels, but I see more feminist advocating for women to be men rather than to be equal to me these days and it is not difficult to see the slow but sure effects it is starting to have on our society.
First, lets ask... what is it that makes a woman a "woman"...?
Many will tell you many things... I am one of those many so you don't have to take my word for it but as far as I am concerned, the major deference between a man and a woman... is not in the physical features as many like to think... because if it is... it would be almost impossible for men to mimic a woman's body features as outrageously as they do these days. Rather the unique difference between a man and a woman is the mental, psychological and spiritual composition that makes one to need the other so badly. A man's natural instinct is to guard... a woman's natural instinct is to guide. This is because a man's physical strength is more suited to the role of guarding and a woman's sweet loving patience is better suited to guiding. It had taken the human species millions of years to evolve and evolution has helped bring out our strengths. And re assign our weaknesses. A woman would just naturally know her little one better, would see her little one more clearly, would understand their needs more innately... this is not to say a father does not also love his little one, but what does he do to show his affection,,, he builds shelter, he provides food, he protects. These roles can of course be switched and interchanged due to circumstances and powers beyond our control, or maybe within our control. But then, it would not come naturally to a man to check the diaper of a baby for wetness if the baby would not stop crying, it will not come naturally to a man to put a baby over his knees and pat his back to help him belch/ prevent constipation... it won't come naturally to a man to put his mouth over a baby's nose and pull out sputum and blockages if the baby is fussy and finding it difficult to breath. A man can learn,,, a man can make efforts, but a man can never be a woman. The same thing goes for women who try to take on men's roles.
We are different, two pieces of a puzzle that will only fit if they are different. The match can only be made if we are different as there is really no point in having two dad's in the house. The double dose of dad will not be healthy for the baby and this explains why even amongst gay couple, one would seem rather feminine and the other masculine.
Women these days take on jobs that take them far away from the home... jobs that afford them little time to be with their families and gives them less feminine considerations. These jobs are taken because it affords the woman more room for ambition and allows the woman to take home more cash. There is nothing wrong with having money or ambition for that matter, the problem that I have is that these jobs then go on to take away a woman's femininity and she comes home each night, having lost yet another bit of her feminine side. Most of these jobs do not afford maternity leave and do not take into account the fact that a woman who is nursing a baby might need more than one lunch break. These jobs often do not afford workers the chance to go home earlier than 6pm and thus leaves the children distant from the mother who is naturally wired to be close to them. The thing is a man will not become a woman simply because his woman is turning into a man, he might try to do the things necessary for his children, but nothing will beat your place in the lives of the kids and this single fact can go a long way in determining how your children turn out to be.
He is different, but with that difference comes weaknesses and strengths. The only thing is that he has been able to make the most of his strengths while down playing his weaknesses, that is exactly what you should do.
I understand that the absence of a (responsible) man in the home might push the mother to want to take on the roles of a man, and I utterly respect women who step into these shoes and actually pull it off, but in cases where the men are available and responsible please let the man be a man and you be a woman. Don't try to be him, if he wanted another man... he knows where the men are. He chose you for you and you chose him for him... don't forget the first rule of attraction, DIFFERENCE!
All I have said above do not place you at a position of subservience to him, you are the other item that needs to go on the scale for balance to occur, you cannot afford to be masculine, it will tip the scale dangerously, this is not to say women should not be ambitious... rather, women and more importantly, girls should be made to understand the true facts behind certain jobs and occupational lines. Maybe if they know what they are getting into, they will make the same choices, maybe they wont... it is not left for us to decide, lets stop encouraging girls to be men, you have to be feminine for feminism to affect you, becoming a man is not feminism, understanding, appreciating and enjoying yourself as a female is feminism.
The logic in feminism is to understand that you are different from a man, to appreciate your difference and to not be apologetic for it. It does not make you dependent to expect your man to provide for his family... that is his role, he is naturally wired to do that. You should not apologize for expecting your man to fix the leaking roof, it's his role... but then do not expect him to understand the intricacies and politics of understanding a child's body and mind... it's not his thing, he can learn out of interest and genuine love for his children, but nature has made you the jack of that trade. Women should stop trying not to be labelled as "gold digggers" You are MEANT to be a "gold digger". Don't apologise for it. If you feel that your requirement for a husband is a man that can afford to change your car every seven months, then my sister go for that... if a man that has his own house and two cars is your standard... then go for it. Don't marry a man that cannot provide for you and your children. If you do, you will eventually have to take on the role of a man and this will kill your femininity. You are female, remain so. Remain proud and till next time we meet, remain blessed.
