New year resolutions? Bad idea.

So the first day of January 2016 is officially over. I packed my bags and maybe left some things behind but I'm in 2016.
 Phew!

So much for the New Year celebrations!

I have to admit though, as much as I tried to find one thing different about myself, something that was in me but is no longer there, or that I didn't have but now burns in me, I have found that there is no such thing as new year resolutions.
I waited through the first 24 hours of 2016 to see if there was going to be any spectacular change in the way I see life, in the way I do things, but instead all I see I ME, ME, and some more ME. There is nothing new, and as much as many would like to term it a "lack of determination", in my defence, I have to say that I have been down that road... a lot actually.

So I know exactly what I am saying.

Today, I want to talk about new year's resolutions. I know what you are thinking,
"The beginning of a new year is a good time to check ourselves for weaknesses and past mistakes. It's a good time to re-arrange our lives and try to adjust. It's a good time to start work on our resolutions and decisions, it's a good "fresh start" la-di-la-di-da!

Been there! Done that!

Now let me ask you some honest questions

1. How many resolutions did you make at the beginning of the just completed year?
2. How many of the resolutions you made at the beginning of last year did you follow through to the end?
3. How many actually worked for you positively?
4. How many of those resolutions ended up becoming bad habits?
5. How many do you regret today?
6. How many of them actually had a positive impact on your life?

Yea...
I thought so.

So here is Aurora's perspective today.

It is good to make resolutions. Hell! Resolutions are what help you make important decisions in your life. The hitch is, should we have to link resolutions to something as flimsy as a calendar change? What exactly is the impact of the calendar change on our lives, our destinies, and our futures that it should affect our resolutions? 

Is it the change of dates in a given time in history that matters or the events that occurred within that period? Some people only make resolutions on new year's eve, should resolutions be restricted to new year's Eve?

Resolutions are important parts of our lives. They guide our attitude and our decisions and in the long run, they may even affect not just how a year turns out, but how the rest of our lives turn out! So why make resolutions based on a calendar change?

Once, I asked someone when and how she knew she would become a paediatric doctor, and she answered me and said:

" When I was a little girl, my mother had a baby. The baby was sick once and the only health centre in the town did not have a doctor that specialised in the care of little bodies. The doctor they did have tried his best, but the baby died. My mother was unable to have another child and now after her death, I'm officially alone in the world. I have no living blood relatives. 

Perhaps if there was just one paediatrician in the hospital, my baby brother might have pulled through, and I would not be so alone!"

Now when I examined her reason for resolving to be a paediatric doctor, I understood why that resolution kept the fire burning. Even when she was broke, even when she had low grades in medical school, and even when she got frustrated. She didn't just become a doctor, she took her time to specialise in the care of children. 

She had a proper fire burning behind her actions, she didn't just wake up one day and write out a list of dos and don'ts for the new year.
This is not to say that it is wrong to make decisions on new years day, the question is; "what is the push behind that decision/resolution?" 

Is it something concrete like a life event, an emotion, or an experience? Or is it something as flimsy as saying " new year new system?"

A new system for a new year sounds cute, but what is wrong with the old system? Why do you need to edit it? It is whatever reason behind that "editing" that is the actual reason behind your resolution and when you take a good look at it, that decision is probably long overdue. Don't get it mixed up. The first of January is just another day, like any other day. It is not more ideal than the 12th of February or the 30th of June. It is just a day.

Making indiscriminate resolutions every year will only bring you a sense of failure and inadequacy at the end of the year if you go through the list of your achievements that year and realise that the year was more or less exactly like the previous ones. 

Holidays are hardly enough inspiration for life decisions, and if the 15th of October. Is the day of the big event or experience in your life, it would make sense to make your resolution on that day. It is not the day that makes resolutions, it's the resolution that makes the day.

"New year new me"

 is slang you should do away with because there is basically never going to be a new you. Just re-processed you. You of today are a by-product of you of yesterday so technically, it's still you. 

Making decisions is not a matter to be determined or handled by holidays, if it were so, you should change your voice, colour, race, friends, church, parents, community, job, spouse, and even children every year. If you would not change all of these people and things that surround you, why would you want to change "you"? Is it really that easy?

My perspective this morning is that resolutions can only have a meaningful impact on our lives if they are inspired by actual experiences and life events, maybe actual emotions and intuition too. Not something as flimsy as

"YAY!!! It's the first of January!"

BUHARI STOP TAKING TEA AND LET BIAFRA GO.

Good morning people. This is a sad morning for me. i can feel a fear, a bitter fear inside me. I can feel this premonition and i feel like i can see the future. i can see tears, I can see blood. Lots and lots of blood. I can see human limbs here, there, and everywhere. I can see burning buildings, i can see animals and plants watching and shaking their heads in pity for the people who call themselves Nigerians.

I have tried very much not to talk about the issue of the Biafran struggle. But i cannot hold back anymore. If Buhari wants to send his gunmen after me because of this, he is free. Nigeria is burning down from the roots and our popularly elected leader is travelling around and having tea.
When i casted my vote for change, i did so with an open heart. with no ethnic bias. I did so because i believed in him. Now i admit that I have made a mistake and this mistake has come to bite me in the ass. I admit that i might have misjudged you sir and with an open heart again i declare; Buhari is the biggest mistake Nigeria has made yet.
The death toll of the Biafran struggles has now reached 13. Nigeria, buckle up because this is just the beginning. It is obvious that Biafra is not going to back down even though Buhari's boys shot into the midst of unarmed protesters without a second thought. The commander in cheif of Nigerian Armed Forces is taking tea while the country is starting to burn.
Forget the fact that his promises about boko haram has not been kept. Forget the fact the the fuel scarcity and economic crisis is still ravaging our land. Forget the fact that the life of a human being in Nigeria now can be as cheap as seven thousand naira... BUHARI is taking tea.
NIGERIA has not existed as a country for a long time now. it is just too diverse to be one country. Too much suffering for the minority who just happen to be the ones with the oil. Biafra has existed for a while now and either we admit it or not, one way or another, its just a matter of time before it achieves what it wants. If buhari wants to have a single country, he should not have had his JTF fire into the crowd and treat those biafrans like meat.
YORUBA, if youre out there reading this, the i suppose you realise that there is nothing that makes you special or different from the group that were shot at. except of course for the fact that they are braver than you. how many of you dislike these stinking hausa people who come into your land and act like they own it? About five months ago, a hausa man raped and robbed a yoruba woman in Ado Ekiti, the woman's husband went to the hausa settlement with his friends, a fight ensued when it became obvious that the hausa men would protect the culprit. Do you know what then happened? Hausa man began to burn down yoruba market stalls.
YORUBA, if youre out there and reading this i want you all to know that you cannot be neutral in the Biafran war. You have to pick a side and ild be damned if ill side these filthy violent people against Igbos. there are ties and cords and relationships to be had with BIAFRA, but the only relationship i see us having with Hausa is violence and filth.
I know that i sound biased, i sound racist, but the thing is i cant help it. Boko haram made Nigeria almost ungovernable for JONATHAN and yet he offerred them amnesty never mind that they didnt accept it. How much havoc has biafra wrecked that warranted the death of seven pro BIAFRANS? I do not believe in NIGERIA. I do not think that we can co exist for much longer before this gunpowder finally explodes.
I call for YORUBA to rise up and also request for their own sovreignty. Let the north blast itself to hell and let BIAFRA get what it wants. Let YORUBA also leave NIGERIA and once and for all purge our land of the HAUSA madness. Please let a YORUBA LEADER take this initiative and lead YORUBA away from this forced marriage. The north is useless to us, they contribute very little to the economy. Why should we be on their side? I know some YORUBA "leaders" will try to convince us to follow the north but please, let us think with our heads and not the head of any ugly short man who only lines his own pocket.
Enough of this undue bloodshed. BUHARI please let BIAFRA go. I dont want another civil war. I dont want to lose a family member to your madeness and frivolity. I dont want to lose a limb or watch anyone I know lose a limb. I dont want to lose my house or lose my car. I am not contented with the life I have right now but please dont make it worse. You promised NIGERIA peace, BIAFRA is NIGERIA's baby so give her peace too.

NIGERIA IS CUTE LIKE THIS, DONT BURN IT DOWN.

SAVE THE GIRL CHILD? NOPE! SAVE THE BOY CHILD

Good morning people. im back with my troublesome self sirs and ma'ams and i aint going away.
I know i'm a pain in the backside but here is another issue that is really affecting our society.A small virus that is fast becoming a monster
Do you know that experts claim that by 2050, there will be so much less men in the world than women such that women would just give upon marriage already and only seek to be pleasured and fertilized?
Damn Damn Damn.
But yes it is true. the male species is gradually becoming an endangered species. you know what the implication of this would be dears?
1)
Well... for one, it could mean that by 2050, feminist discussions might reduce drastically because all the human race will be concerned about is the conservation of its male species. This may result in the society becoming patriachal all over again. the men in their realms of power, leaving the women out of it.
2)
 Also, we might find a situation where polygamy and polygyny become very legal in many presently monogamous countries...
3)
 On another level... counterring the proposed idea in 1), feminism might indeed gain better grounds so much so that women begin to rule the world based on the fact that they are world majority. Because of the ratio of men to women, the world might begin to have no choice but to let women start taking very challenging roles and positions of power and decision.
4)
 We might find that our world will gradually start to become a world of sexually frustrated women. this period might see the rise of hard core serious lesbianism. sex toys such as dildos will start to beecome more like a necessity. maybe they will even become cheaper *smile ( checked one out on konga, turns out its like 12k nigerian naira... im like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! i mean its just a dildo!)
5)
 The idea of what the roles of men and women should be in the society might become very blurred. this is because there is so much less men than women and for every one man trying to act "manly", there might be ten women who are acting womanly/manly.
6)
 Marriages, weddings and the general breakdown of the matrimonial institution might be witnessed. there will be less actual man-woman weddings, which means that there will be less free saturday rice in nigeria *tears* (oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooo)
7)
 Prayer points in churches and mosques will change from "give me a good husband oh lord" to " lord... send me a man that will be willing to get me pregnant like twice... and also... make the babies boys." and the men will be in church like..."oh lord... deliver.me from eves!! how many women can i do? im gonna die!!!!" *lmfao
8)
 On a more serious note, there will be a breakdown of society on many grounds. many levels and this might start an emotional and mental war that might not end early enough for the world to see the real danger.
9)
 Do you know that baby mortality is higher in boys than girls?
10)
 Do you know that male children are more likely to die earlier than females?



So my peoole... please its time to stop " saving the girl child" only. lets start saving the boy child. the girl child is believed to be "delicate" because shes more likely to be abused or scarred from abuse. but the truth is that the boy child is also a victim of these things. in fact, the boy child in my humble opinion is a victim of many forms of abuse. a victim of a society that practically ignores him from the moment he is able to do the basic things for himself. the parents are usually too busy trying to "groom" the female children who are believed to be going out there into the rough world. parents attempt to shelter female children while they let the males go out into the streets on their own.
We complain that girls are being victimised all over the world and i agree. but lets not forget that theres another group of children in the world today who suffer just as much, maybe even more than the female clan. in its misery, the female clan is at least visible. people are paying attention to them, people are campaingning for them... fighting for them. but who takes care of theses little boys? who fights for them? who campaigns for them? they are suffering and their suffering is invisible... the world is not paying attention to the fact that our boys face a real danger... the danger of extinction.
A child is a child regardless of the gender, we should stop taking these boys' childhood from them and giving it to the girls. The girl child is important and delicate... the boy child is important and the way i see it, even more delicate than the girl child. We cannot continue to expect our sons to be "iron men" if we want them to survive. We should stop bringing boys up not to care... we should stop bringing them up to the habit of staying out late in the streets while we curfew the girls. We should stop making our boys carry/lift stuff that are to heavy just because they are "boys". We should stop sheilding the girls at the expense of the boys. We should realise that either we want to talk about it or not, the ratio of boys to girls is going higher by the minute and we need to steady this population by helping to reduce our male child mortality as much as we possibly can.
The girl child has proven to be resilient. despite what so many would like to believe... female children have continued to show a strength that their male counterpart havent been able to. we need to start saving our boys too. before theres too little of then to go around and the female children we "saved" have to start killing each other to get a man.
SAVE THE BOY CHILD.

THE OTHER WOMAN SYNDROM.2

so hello there... it is a beautiful morning again yea?
well, every beautiful morning should be appreciated and respected... just like the woman on third avenue, dakota lane was doing. she was a lady in her mid twenties, a complexion that shows the obvious tampering of one of those expensive cancer causing chemicals that wash off the melanin pigment in the skin, leaving people as in her case with a very bright, very obviously bleached skin. the color was fading out though which suggested that she had stopped the use of whatever it was. probably to lackof funds. the fading of the color was not the only problem, the skin had blisters all over here and there and she was badly sun burnt. she had a little boy of about nine months old on her back whom she carried in the popular "omo isobo" way. with his legs parted over her waist and the small wrapper she used in carrying him tied around and tucked in on her abdomen.

she walked with a certain anger in her steps. it was obvious that someone was about to be at the recieving end of a lot of venom. she was fed up with the life she had been living for the last five months. she had thought about it and she had decided that what she was about to do was in fact the best thing to do. if not for her own sake, for the sake of her little boy. she continued to walk thus, through the quiet streets of dakota lane. she counted the houses starting from the first on her right. somehow, it didnt occur to her that the mail boxes in front of each house bore the number of the houses. at the twelfth house, she went up to the gate and knocked. a lanky hausa man came to the door and peered out through a peep hole.
who you wan see?" he asked even as he scratched his lightly bearded jaw lazily.
i need to see Mr and mrs Ade Thomson"
she said without batting an eyelid.
"they be the one ask you to come?" he asked even though he was already unlocking the gate. he looked her up and concluded that there could be no harm this one . not with her scrawny looking baby. he couldnt have been more wrong
" no"she answered "but i am madam's sister." she said. playing smart. knowing that it could be her only ticket into the home. he opened the gate wide and let her in. he then rushed up to the main entrance to tell the housmaid to tell madam that her sister was around.
ten minutes later, a tall dark skinned and elegant lady came out of the entrance in a bath robe and flip flops. she wore her hair down her shoulders and she was obviously fresh out of bed. she was still tapping her eyelids gently and yawning in that classy manner that you can only perfect after living amongst the cream de la cream of nigeria and europe. tamara looked at her and almost changed her mind about her mission. she looked so peaceful and tamara wasnt sure if she wanted to shatter that peace. but the deed had been done and besides she had the life of her child to consider.
good morning ma'am" kendall said. looking at the sun burned bleached washed out lady in front of her. looking for anything to recognise. she didnt find any so she decided to take the bull by the horns . she looked at the baby on the womans' back.and wondered how the baby could look so scrawnny. werent babies supposed to be chubby and round cheeked in the first one year? she wasnt sure as she hadnt ever had any.
do I know you?" kendall asked
tamara took a deep breath and answered with a straight face.
"good morning ma. no, you dont know me... I only brought this child here..." she said.as she said so, she brought down her baby and dropped the smiling little bag of bones on the floor.
this boy was fathered by your husband, he has refused to take responsibility for him and i am tired of doing it by my self. he has been sick for a while since he started teething" as an after thought, more out of a feeling of sadness that came over her as she watched the look on kendall's face change and the peace therein shatter.
" I am very sorry about all this, really... I just dont know what else to do. i am sorry. so sorry."
kendall held her peace. she looked keenly at tamara and asked, her voice betraying her calm outlook.
"you come to my house so early on sunday morning to destroy my home? really? " she didnt wait for an answer. she turned around and went back inside. tamara stood there, not knowing what to do. should she leave and go home? forget this whole thing? or should she wait and fight this out? she thought about it for just a moment and then she picked up her son, deciding that she would come back. she was just near the gates when she heard loud noises and things crashing. before she could say jack, ade rushed out of the house, covered in blood. his blue p.j bottoms were a deep crimson and he was even starting to look pale. the gate man rushed forward and caught ade just in time before he landed on the floor. the maid was there in a flash. she whipoed out her phone and was taking pictures. tamara launched at her and grabbed the phone. she smashed it before grabbing ade and putting him in the car that was driven over to where they were by the driver. it all happened so fast. as they started to drive out of the compound... kendall came back out, looking very calm and collected. she looked at tamara with those calm eyes and said " go on ... go with him... you can have him."

Tamara bent down to pick her baby whom she had placed on the floor when she was attending to ade. kendal shook her head slowly from left to right... holding up her index finger.
"no no no.. hes not going with you. you came to drop him right? and anyway... the boy needs a mother... you are not a mother." she all but snatched the baby fron tamara's arms. " he has a mother now." she said as she went into the house with the babe in her arms. she was crooning some inaudible words to the littke one who had buised himself with threading his little scrawny fingers through her hair. tamara stood there wondering what she should do. she knew she couldnt win this fight if she initiated one. if kendall stabbed her husband like this, what would she do to her? tamara joined the vehicle and left with ade to the hospital. it would be a long long day for her and it was even just starting.


NOW TO TODAY'S TOPIC.
 tamara was a young lady who had gone into an extra marital affair with a married man. an affair that had produced a child. this was odd as ade's wife of six years was yet to have a child. ade didnt want to hurt his wife so he denied and disowned the pregnancy and its product. he who used to spend so much money on tamara his side chick now cut off all contact with her. she was sad, disillusioned and eventually, she became vengeful. she thought she would go over there and start a storm but on seeing ade's wife, changed her mind and decided to play it cool. it was too late though, ade's wife who was suffering from psychosis stabbed him multiple times. even though ade survived the experience, he would have to live a careful life henceforth.
now to discuss what is really at stake here.
some single ladies seem to take a fancy to being side chicks, or in my own words, the other woman. they seem to forget that one cannot afford to live an emotionally reckless life. even if they dont mind being the other woman, i often wonder to myself if they ever think that wives might not want to share their husbands. going out with a married man exposes the girl and the mans wife to a new world. a world of women who have to compete for the attention of their man. the sad thing however is that a lot of times, the wife, who is the main chick might get relegated to the position of the side chick. in terms of emotions, attention, affection, and even finances. the sort of money that side chicks recieve from the man for stuff as superficial as hairdo cannot be compared to what the man would give his main chick as feeding and homekeeping allowance for the month. the sort of time that side chicks take out of the men, either spending time physically or phone calls, or texting, sexting, and even shoping... you would realise that the bulk of his time gets taken away by the side chick and the main chick is left in the house; waiting for her man to come home from work. the woman packs his bags when hes going on his "business trips" and unpacks them when he gets back. if you are a side chick reading this, ask yourself only one question; how would i feel if i was in her shoes?
if you can answer this question, then you will know if the issue of dating another woman's husband is a good idea or not. if you have done it before, it is time to stop it. try as you may to convince yourself that you are not deterring him from his responsibility to his wife, you have to realise that that is the point. he should not be having responsibilities where his wife is concerned. he should be loving her. he should be showering her with all the gifts hes been showering you with. he should be paying for her hairdo and not yours... he should be spending those cold nights with her in his arms, protecting her from the cold... he should be fathering her children and not yours.
besides, i dont understand how women settle to be a side chick in the first place. it probably has something to do with the low self esteem that i see everyday amongst girls. theres a saying that says " it is better to be the head of an ant, than the tail of an elephant. if you choose to be the tail of an elephant, you need to realise that you are highly dispensable. just like ade abandoned tamara despite the fact that she had his child and his wife " main chick" doesnt have a child yet... that rich married man that you are hanging out with will let you go and in the end, it will be just you. so buckle up... if you are going down that road, you are in for a rough ride.
stop stripping yourselves of the last shred of dignity that you might have. raise your standards and see if the world doesnt help you meet it with hard work and dedication.
have a beautiful day...

the "other woman" syndrom 1

so i met this really awesome guy. tall, dark and handsome. nice, strong but gentle, beautiful smile, nice personality and quite intelligent too. what else could a girl want? we were friends and were starting to get close... spending a lot of time on the phone, texting, hanging out for lunch.or dinner and even buying each other stuff.
there was a hitch though
he was married!
damn damn damn!!! why life gotta do a girl like that?
but there it was. i was friends with this awsome guy who seemed to be very into me, but he was a married man and he wanted me to "date" him. ok now, here we go
i wasnt confused... i mean i knew the exact answer to this kind of issue, the same answer that i had been giving so many girls that talked to me about such before...
its not an option." "dont even think about it" "bad idea"
 so i put myself together, squared my shoulders and started to walk out on the whole thing, including the friendship part. we were at a restaurant and after explaining to him all the rather very obvious reasons why we couldnt be together, i had stood up and was ready to leave the place when he reached out and placed a hand on my elbow. i turned around and looked into his eyes, it as red, bloodshot and he seemed like he was going to start throwing a tantrum right there. he looked into my eyes with those intense eyes of his and i was rooted to the ground. couldnt go on and definitely couldnt bring myself to move towards him. i was stuck on the spot almost as if i was under a spell.
i was under a spell alright.
a spell that had been cast by my own already growing affections for him, but more saliently, a spell of sweet sweet taboo. the very idea that i was breaking a rule charged me to glue me to the spot. i stayed there and waited. my breath laboured and my palms wet.
" please stay... i really need you in my life dear"
"wht about your wife?" i had asked but he had pretended like he hadnt heard me. so i repeated the question. finally, he said
" well, we dont have a connection anymore. we havent even had sex in months."
i was not surprised... i was disappointed. this was a guy that i liked and had a nice level of respect for but here he was, using the oldest trick in the book. the dumb "we dont have a connection anymore" cliche. i was pissed and to say the least, i was irritated. i jerked my elbow from him and as i walked out of the restaurant, i made a decision not to ever see that guy again.
i went home and went about my daily activities like nothing happened but he was on my mind. not in a romantic way, more like in an aware and conscious way that enabled me to not like him much anymore but still left him in my thoughts through the activities of the day. i was viewing him as an "asshole" at first but as i thought about it more, i wondered if that old trick in the book was so old because it applied to men from centuries and centuries back.
yes!
i agree that his excuse was stupid and rather disrespectful to his wife's person, my intelligence and the institution of marriage itself. but then i am thinking that maybe many men give this excuse because many men feel this way. starting from the level of emotions, desire, self worth and ego, and most importantly and least understood, intelligence.
before marriage, women put in exra efforts to please their men, dressing hot, looking neat and clean , some even wear make up to bed and wear nice scents all in a bit to get him stuck on her and what she has to offer him. men pay the women back with attention, affection, strength, gifts, etc...
the point that i am about to make is that with marriage and especially the arrival of kids in the picture, the couple might be taken and overwealmed by responsibility and thus have little time for themselves much less each other. they grow apart, start to have different interests and might even go as far as sleeping apart .
now when i talk about sleeping apart, i dont necessarily mean sleeping in different rooms, each time you go to bed separately, at diffrent time, and not in each other's arms, you are sleeping separately. couples might start to see things they do to and for each other as a "duty" rather than a normal part of loving, respecting and caring about each other." .
at this point, the woman who used to laugh at your jokes now looks on indifferently when you talk, you feel detached and unhappy that she doesnt find yoy interesting anymore not knowing that the main reason she found you funny was because she had a connection with you... the connection that is now fast receeding.
the woman who would serve you both's meals in the same bowl no matter how many travels to the kitchen that would mean for her now doesnt feel the need to do so anymore, you are unhappy about this not realising that if she always had to wait for you to get home before eating, she would become a patient of anorexia fast.
a woman who would go out of her way to buy sexy lingiree just to get you up at the mere sight now wears the same pajamas to bed for one week straight. you wonder why shes not sexy anymore and dont realise that the nights she slept semi naked, she was in your arms and there was no cold. now she needs the extra clothing to protect herself from catching a chill despite the fact that her husband is in the same bed.
the woman who used to call you "baby" now calls you "daddy junior" because that is what the society (in this case the prying eyes of family and friends) expects of her.
the woman that would stick your dick in her mouth and attempt to swallow it whole without a second thought before now cant do it because she cannot stop wondering where that dick was on friday night even though you were just hanging out with the guys.
you feel like you dont enjoy sex with her anymore especially since the birth of the babies, but it is obvious that the lack of sexual interest on your part is not a recent development but something that had been happenning for a long while. dated back to during the pregnancy when her hormones were high and she wanted it every night but you wouldnt do it because you didnt like the way her tommy bulged.
when all these things are said and done, we see that it doesnt matter who is at fault here, what matters is how we feel and how we want to feel. extra marital affairs in not permisible under any circumstances. if she attracted you enough to put the ring on it, then i expect that when things go south as they usually do especially when children arrive, you talk about it, you work on it, you work for it and stand by your marriage no matter what. if the differences become unreconcillable, file for a divorce and at least give her the dignity of knowing that you tried.
my friendship with joe the married man showed me something that i needed to see, that cheating men are not necessarily monsters but dim witted, half witted lazy fools who are too dumb to work on what they have and would rather go out there looking for attention and affection amongst girls who most likely either want to "spend your money" or destroy your home in a bid to evict your wife from it.
who can blame them? survival of the fittest after all...

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER MARRY A "POOR" MAN

A friend once told me when I asked her why she always asked if a guy is rich before allowing me to give him her number. She had simply replied:
I don't do poor guys. "
I had looked at her scornfully and asked
" is your father a billionaire or what"
She smiled sadly and said...
" that's the more reason why I shouldn't do poor guys."
At this point... I didn't really understand her, I was confused and irritated to say the least. But I reserved my comments for the sake of the friendship and moved on to other things.
So two weeks ago, I was in a bus going from Ado Ekiti to ile Ife, I was the last passenger to get on the bus and when I got into the bus, there were already nine men, two women and three ladies, one little child whose gender was difficult to tell due to the many layers of rags and the bushy hair and sunken eyes. I was the fifteenth person on that bus, phew!
In the bus, a misunderstanding broke out between a man and a woman over seating space...( I admit that the woman had one too many pounds on her ass) the man insulted her thoroughly and even threatened to slap her. Her husband was also in the car but he only joined the man in lambasting his wife. I was irritated, eventually I looked behind me and said to the man;
" daddy ejor e gbe enu yin je"
Meaning, " daddy please shut your mouth"
The man looked at me, aghast. Here he was, scolding a woman, a married woman and this little girl was telling him to shut up? At first he didn't know what to say. Before he could recover from that, I looked at the woman's husband and said to him,
" ati eyin naa, iyawo yin ni won bu to yen... E de joko sibe. Etun n bu naa"
Meaning
" and you too... someone is insulting your wife like that and you sit there and join him"
The woman's husband responded to me with insults which I returned in full dose. Eventually, it occurred to me that there were something common to the men in the car who were now actively supporting their counterparts, they were all poor, uneducated or barely educated men. They were all dressed shabbily and the long term effects of suffering and hardship was etched into their faces like tribal marks. They all seemed to have similar mentality to life, love, relationships and women. To them, women were objects to be acquired and disposed at will. To be made to serve and tend to their need, to bear and nurture children when needed and to be used for sexual pleasure. Objects of lesser intelligence no matter how educated they happened to be. I looked at all of this and saw in them a man I knew, my friend's dad. The type of man whom she had been avoiding by insisting that she didn't want a poor man. I suddenly found myself understanding what margaret had said... that men like her father were not ideal for girls like her. So I did my research, and as usual I came upon some interesting findings.
1. If he is from very poor, uncivilised background, it will not really matter if he himself is educated and rich, he is still a product of that environment and should therefore be treated with gloved hands. His background of lack will influence his relationship with you. He will expect you to be "grateful" to him for whatever he does, no matter how minute. Don't get me wrong, being grateful is not bad, but there are some sorts of gratefulness that only works to make you feel little. Small, undeserving of good things. This of course does not make him totally unmarriagable, you have to look at all tue other possible traits before making that decision.
2. If he is financially weak, you might wanna be careful before you say "I do". A hungry man is an angry snake... and an angry snake lashes out at the nearest objects! You as his woman are the nearest person, you will get bitten more than once.
This is not to say that "hunger" or in this case poverty is literal. Let me explain.
Poverty is not a disease. in fact, financially poor people are more likely to find, feel and value love more than rich people. But attitude to wealth or poverty is very important in determining if that seeming poverty is indeed poverty.
If he is not rich, isvhe making efforts, i mean actual efforts to leave that position? Is his outlook to life like a person who does not see himself as being in that position forever? Does he have that hopeless look on his face and countenance? like he has accepted his place in life? then he is a very poor man indeed. RUN
3. If he is the only rich person or mildly successful person in that family, you might wanna reconsider. Or at least consider deeply, one rich man amongst ten poor family members is still a poor man. The dependence of people on him will kill whatever wealth he has. If you're his woman, you will constantly find that his own "duties" will start to eat into your own purse. You will be rich, but poor by the very standards of being rich.
Of ciurse this doesnt apply everytime but how do you know if yours is one of those times when it will not appear?
If you visit his background...

 (not necessary physically. you can visit his backgroung through how he talks about his family members, how he relates with them and how much of family responsibility he bears and more importantly, is expected to bear.)


... and discover that they call to him for way too many things and he seems to spend more on family issues and needsof family members than himself, run.

The last thing you need is a man who has the weight of an entire clan on his shoulder. You might find yourself and your children constantly competing for his material attention with his extended family.
TAHERE NOING WRONG IN A MAN LOOKINGOUT FOR HIS FAMILY MEMBERS O
Just so long as its not overwhealming.

4. Even if a man comes into sudden wealth, if he somehow manages to educate and civilise himself, don't forget that the appearance of wealth (physical wealth) is not and can never be the same as true wealth ( wealth of the mind). If the physical wealth is good enough for you, then by all means go for it. But if you require more from a man than cash and sex, then you might have to scrutinise that seeming wealth. Wealth is not about just cash. If a foolish man holds money, he can turn it to sand. If a wise man holds sand, he can turn ot to money.
Even if he doesnt have physical cash now, what are his prospects? does he have a brain and mind but most importantly a will that can fetch him cash later?
If you marry a man because of his physical cash, without being sure if this is a streak of luck that can run out or a earned and well deserved cash, you might be in for some trouble.




5. Given the points above, A poor man (according to the standards described above) in many ramifications is a helpless man, one of the major needs of a human is the need of the ego. The need to belong, to feel important, to feel powerful. If a man loses the favour of money, he loses this ego related need and therefore makes substitutions consciously or unconsciously by trying to lord it over people closest to him. Who is closest to a man besides his wife? You will become his psychological and perhaps physical punching bag. You can save yourself that trouble by staying away from mentally and physically poor men.



6) It is easier for a rich man to "pretend" successfully that he loves you. Than for a poor man to "prove" that he loves you. If a man is rich, and he's not... well, to use the rich people's language... " he's not the best of husbands..." then you can console yourself with money and expensive gifts... but if a poor man is a... to use the poor people's language; "bad husband..." then you are doomed. (sorry for. Using the "D" word"
Also, a rich man can easily show his affection with gifts and trips and attention, a poor man will be too busy trying to be rich to love you the way you deserve to be loved    (even If he has the means to).
Having the means to buy you stuff does not make a man rich though, and it will be of utmost importance to understand that by "Rich" I do not necessarily refer to money. (even though money is a very important factor. *smile*)


Why do you think all the fairytale are about the wealthy prince and the damsel? And not the pauper and the damsel?
Because wealthy princes are better disposed to loving in the proper way that paupers cannot fathom.
If hes a prince indeed (not necessarily by title) he will treat you like a princess. If hes a peasant, you might be stuck with being the princess's chambermaid. Sorry, no insult intended to the paupers but Me thinks ill take a wealthy prince any day over mister pauper who will not have intellectual or/and physical wealth to spend and will still treat his lady like rags.

she killed a baby for a nose job. we cant all be brave.

Today... I came upon an outcry.
A woman who had been named the most shameless woman in Europe had done another terrible thing. She had committed a high moral crime. "She is a pig, a slut, a terrible human by all standards". The world's non specific association of women was saying. I read her story. I followed her historical time line. And I couldn't help but feel like the rest of the world was right. The caption said it all.
WOMAN KILLS HER BABY TO GET A NOSEJOB.
Wow!!!"

I found myself repeating over and over again and soon after reading the first few lines of that article... I did what most humans do so unwittingly. I judged her!
Don't get me wrong... I had a good reason to judge her. I mean common! Who kills a baby to get a nose job? But then I started to read further... and turns out she had an abortion because she had a huge debut into the porn industry coming up and the baby was proving to be a stumbling block. She had walked into a cosmetic hospital and asked for a nose job, the doctor of course was happy to provide her with the service. But then she mentioned she was about two months pregnant and the doctor said "oh no way... we can't do it while you're pregnant."
She called a few other hospitals and got the same feed back.
" they can't give her the needed nose for her huge career plunge."
She felt bad. She weighed her pros and cons and considered that she already had three children. She had a responsibility to give the children she did have the best possible life she could afford and she had finally come to the brinks of being able to do that. The problem is that the twelve weeks old foetus would stand in the way of this. She had to make a tough decision; Either she gives up her porn modelling career by giving up her nose job or have an abortion and be able to do what she so desperately wanted. She did what she had to do and here we are.
I know I'm starting to sound like I'm on her side but let's call a spade a spade. She has three children already and the extra one would need food, shelter, clothing and all this cost money. She had to choose between a source of livelihood that could be her big break and an extra mouth to feed. Between an asset and a liability. She chose the asset and we judge her for it.
Yes!
She could have done better. She could have made better choices. For God's sakes she is only twenty five! She has three children? Damn that's a lot to have at that age. And they are from different fathers? Shit... that's some crazy assed b***h!
I know these are the things anyone hearing her story for the first time would think. But people let's not forget that our lives, experiences and circumstances that determine what path we take are different. She is a porn star with three children who sacrificed the chance to have another baby for a chance to move up the ladder in her profession. This is no different from girls who have abortions because they are set to go to law school in a few months and do not want to go in with a bulging tommy. This is no different from young girls in high school who have abortions in order to give their ambitions a chance. This is not really different from people who amputate a limb to save the body or those who break the melon open to get to the juice  in it. It's not pretty sight but sometimes we have to make the really tough decisions in order to get to where we need to be.
Life they say is not a bed of roses... but then does it have to be a bed of thorns? life can have some really shitty timings and there's often nothing we can do about it. I mean why couldn't her opportunity come before or after that pregnancy? Why couldn't the pregnancy come before or after her opportunity? Why the coincidence?
Sometimes though, we are given some really tough choices to make. Perhaps we close our eyes and take a huge leap, take a fifity-fifty chance. But then sometimes we decide to take our lives into our hands and stir our ships ourselves and not leave it to the blowing of chance winds. Like Leona Lewis said... we can't all be brave... but then let's try not to pull the brave ones down.

my ramblings on reading between the lines.

Once... I asked a toaster "Is it that you are this old and accomplished and yet without a girl? " He said to me... "I have a girl... but we have issues and I'm absolutely stealable." Damn I liked him. It was tempting to jump in with both feet. But then, I read between the lines. He has (*not had)a girl... they have issues... (not had... they are trying to fix the issues)... and he is willing to stray for a while and ultimately find his way back to her. I wasn't hurt by that realisation... I was taught. I smiled like it was funny and left with a heart ready to burst. But I left with my shoulders squared and would today look at the whole issue and smile... because now, It is genuinely funny. How could he have been so smart and how could I have been so smarter because even as I looked into his eyes with all innocence (or seeming innocence) I can remember vividly thinking... "this is such a terrible bore." He saw me as a distraction... I saw him as big bag of boring bones. At least I distracted him. So many things about life leaves conscious and unconscious impressions on us. Life is what it is... something to be enjoyed and appreciated. I have however come to the discovery that very few people will go out of their way to make things easy for you. That is your duty... your personal responsibility. Everybody wants to be happy, and very few will actually try consciously not to hurt anyone in their quest for happiness. The issue is not for you to make everyone like you enough to not want to hurt you... it is not possible. the issue is to be able to recognise the many times in life when people will need something and will try to take it even if will hurt you. The issue is to realise that sometimes... even though you also want what that person seemingly wants, you are better off without it. There is never going to be a time when the world doesn't swallow the weak, when fish don't eat each other for growth, and when even humans literally or figuratively ride roughshod over fellow humans in order to get what they want. It is left to you to decide if you want to be the victim or you want to be the... whatever the opposite of victim is. I guess it was fair.

what to tell your children on pre marital sex1

Recently, in a post I read on a Whatsapp group page, someone postulated that we exchange spirits, characters, personalities etc when we have sex. And that when we have sex with many people, we become confused as we adopt their ideas in addition to all the other people we have had sex with. This person pursued further that multiple personalities disorder is a result of this unhealthy sexual lifestyle. I read patiently and to be candid was highly disappointed. I suddenly realised why teenage pregnancies and sexual imorality prevails in our society. This person has put together a group of grossly unrelated issues in order to put out an idea that is both stupid and almost absolutely shameful.

On the point that when we have sex with people, we take on their characters, their spirit, their ideas and ideals and so on... I am pushed to ask, "if this is true, why do people who have sex fight? I mean since they now have each other's personality... why do they have disagreements?"
The truth is that, after living together for a very long time. Eating, making love, sleeping, fighting, making up... you and your partner will start to look alike. Act alike, talk alike, and even have similar opinions about issues. This happens in most older couples but it also happens in some young couples. It's all a matter of connection. If under those sort of circumstances you feel that spirits have been exchanged, i'ld then point out people of same sex who don't have sex but live together and  because of their closeness, they have these same features.
It is highly unhealthy to have people circulating stupid posts like that in our society because of the mental and educational health of our youths.
When you present reasons like the ones above in that article to a teenager... you will momentarily instill fear in them but they may be young... they are not dumb. Soon they will get convinced by someone else who has more practical reasons why they should have sex outside marriage more than you . They will say to each other... (don't mind them, they are superstitious.) and they will dis obey you. Even the bible says nothing about sexual partners putting spirits in each other.
Give the kids some practical reasons. Real reasons. Sensible reasons... and guide them. Don't preach at them, don't judge them. Be their friend and cultivate a habit of telling you everything in them. Only then can you have them in the way you want them to be

WAITING FOR THE RING OR WAITING FOR GODDOT? 2

THIS, MY DEARS IS THE SECOND PART OF THE REASON WHY YOU MIGHT DO WELL TO STOP EXPECTING THAT RING.


The last time, we talked about  how defining a relationship from the start might be a life saver. Why it is not very advisable to go into a relationship in the Western fashion if you are a young African lady who prioritizes marriage and even has a “life plan”.
The first thing we all need to know about relationships in the setting that we live every day is that it is not the same as what you see on T.V.  Don’t get it twisted girls, the everyday reality of African girl who lives on African soil is very far from similar to that of those blond and red haired white chicks. Just because you spend so much of your money trying to look like them does not mean your own experience will change to become theirs or theirs, yours. We need to sit up and decide what we really want… how many guys you are willing to go to bed with before marriage (not that I care very much how a girl chooses to live her sexual life, men don’t get crucified for it, why should women…) but on a serious note girls, there are a few things you need to understand and which no one will really tell you.
A girl and a boy of exactly the same age have a mental and emotional growth difference of a minimum of five years. Girls are the older bunch. This is why it is important to be with a guy that is about five years older than you in order to increase the chances of you guys being on the same level mentally and emotionally. Wanna try something, girls just think of a twenty five year old girl that you know. What is she doing right now? Lemme guess, she’s either in a very serious relationship, looking for a very serious relationship or even married or engaged to be married. She’s probably got her life straight as far as what she wants to do for a living is and she even has plans on how to move forward in life. GBAM!!!
Now let’s look at her counterpart the twenty five year old man
He’s got a very nice, expensive ride but lives in a one room apartment and has everything upside down. He goes clubbing every other Friday night and is seen with different ladies at different times. He spends most of his spare time playing video games and watching football matches. If asked where he sees himself in five years, he doesn’t have a clear picture. He plays loud music all the time and might even have a stash of marijuana somewhere in the house. If he’s got a job, he’s probably complaining that it doesn’t pay him enough but yet he’s not making any real efforts to get a better job. He lives on junks and generally carries around a pack of condoms. You just have to know where to look.
NOTE:  Age here is a very fluid idea and physical or actual age is not necessarily a determinant of how a person can be perceived. You have to figure out where the people in your life belong.
Well, I know there will be some exceptions to the rule… but these stereotypes of mine were gathered with months of research. So here is the deal, the age of a man is not necessarily the only determinant of his husbandability. There are thirty five year old men who exhibit the characteristics described above. And there are twenty four year old men who are actually matured minded and ready to face life. It is left to you to decide which your man is. A twenty five year old in the body of a thirty five year old, Or a thirty five year old in the body of a twenty five year old man?  Both categories have their own defects, its just a matter of what you want.
Yes I said it… what do you want babe? What do you want right now? Sit down, make your decision before you put yourself out there.
If what you want is a one night stand, then you should not be playing around the boys who want something else. You should look for someone who wants a similar thing… that should not be too difficult as men generally love the very sound of it.
On the other hand, if what you want is a friendship with benefits, with no strings attached then you should also know how to go about getting what you want
But if what you want is a wedding, then please go after the marriageable men. Don’t try to get a ring from a toddler just because he can buy you stuff and make you cum, eventually, you will end up throwing the ring back at him in desperation to leave. Look for a matured man who wants the same things that you want and has similar plans with yours, the plan is very important
He might be responsible and matured but what are his plans?
Two years?
Three?
How long from now is he thinking of getting married? The plans have to fit yours, because if you dive into the relationship blindly without knowing his plans, you might be in for the biggest wait or maybe the biggest disappointment of your life. So my dear don’t be shy to ask, don’t be afraid he will think you’re forward. Ask him. If you ask him and he thinks you are forward… that’s your cue to know that he's not matured in the first place.
Also my dear ladies, before someone will mail me about how she's in love with a twenty year old… let me answer the question of if you fall in love with the “wrong person.”
Firstly, There is no such thing as being in love with the wrong person. Not really.
In loving that person, your brain combined a couple of signals that it received from you through the things you value. If you are a thirty year old woman who is waiting for a twenty year old to propose, well, nothing is impossible on our earth but then if you want to reason logically, you will realize that a twenty year old is more likely to buy a two seats convertible Mercedes that he cannot afford than a thirty five year old man. Why? Because he has no kids and hes not looking at having any soon. He can afford to be in debt so long as he’s got his toy car. He doesn’t give anyone lifts, his car has only two seats he spends all of his time trying to get laid or get high and he has no immediate plans of changing from that particular lifestyle.   Does all these match your plans?
Secondly, the

re is no such thing as “I can change him!”
Babe, you are not God. And most importantly you are not him. The power of changing himself is in his hands and you can only influence. If you think a guy that had no immediate plans for marriage will change his mind after you have cooked and cleaned for him for one year, you are in for a serious disappointment. After a year, if the ring doesn’t come and you leave, he will just go on and find another clueless babe like you who will pick it up where you left off.
So dearest girlfriends… this is the time of decision. Sit and consider all of these things. If that ring is not forthcoming, It might be because it is NOT forthcoming. Don’t break yourself while trying to make yourself. Find your match and strike the match.

waiting for the ring or waiting for Godot?

Should you really be waiting for that ring with bated breath?


Good morning people. It's the beginning of another week and I'm here again to bother you with issues that many would rather not discuss. I know I can be annoying, but isn't that one one of the things you love about me?
The issue in our discussion board today is that of the progression of relationships between opposite sexes. Now, as we all already know... the standard traditional marriage process in Africa is that of the betrothal. Where the couple might be betrothed for years without even knowing each other... well, times have changed and so have societal values on how a couple should get married. These days, the western standards of moving a relationship from the point of "relationship" to the point of marriage has taken over the former standards and even though the western standard is interesting and romantic on many levels, it often leads to uncertainty and many years of wasted efforts both body and soul wise.
The western standards encourage you to start from nothing, maybe remain at "nothing" for a while before moving on to the "relationship". Then when you are in the relationship... you have to just roll with the tides and wait for the man to propose with a beautiful jewel.

The African traditions take different stands. If i take the Yoruba people of West African Nigeria for example, it is believed that the moment you walk up to a girl, you are a minimum of 40% sure about her. The rest of the job is done by your family who then conduct an extensive research on the girl and as soon as they are satisfied that she isn't likely to have inherited any terrible disease or behaviour from her ancestors, they approach her family on your behalf and if all goes well, the dates for the wedding is soon set. It is not a rare thing for a young man to approach a lady and then lose interest, but then... it is also not common.
These days we see people who post questions on social media, asking advice on how to get "the ring" or a "proposal" from their beloved. It is heart breaking because often times, these are people who have invested, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and even spiritually in their "relationship". This then poses a dilemma on if they should just talk to their partner about marriage (since he's not taking that lead) or wait patiently in the fear of being perceived as wayward or forward.
The media has not helped much as ladies who try to define relationships from the start are often labelled as "desperate" as portrayed in a song recently... according to the rapper, these ladies say "we might not get to date if you don't pick a date" and we all sing along without understanding the depth of the lyrics of the song. The truth is, the idea of not getting to "date" if he doesn't "pick a date" is the ideal idea. Though not meant to be literal...
It is important to know what you're doing before starting to do it. If you are having a casual sexual relationship, then be sure about it... if your own thing is a friendship that was never meant to become sexual, then clarify that... but if you are dating with the hope and possible intent of tying the knot someday soon, then my dear... Know what you are getting into. Be clear from the beginning.
Don't join the clique of people who say "the start doesn't matter, what matters is where we are going".
My question is, if you do not know where you are coming from, how can you claim to even have an idea where you are going?
When the lady in that song said "see me see trouble, Oga you must marry me o... we've been dating for many years now you want to leave me follow Bola..."
She was depicting the height of emotions that run through the soul of the woman scorned. In order to NOT be in the shoes of the character she depicted... better "pick a date before you start to date".


See you soon in the second part of this discussion. Adios!!!

you dont need to be a man to be equal to a man.

Before I write this... I know that majority of people who know me know that I am a strong feminist with rigid beliefs about issues of equality in society and most obviously... marriage. This article does not make me any less of a feminist. It just brings another light to how I practice and see feminism. Happy reading.


For a few years... especially since I have fully grasped the idea of feminism and started exploring it from different angles, obviously trying to find one that perfectly matches my idea and ideal of what feminism should be, I have been of the school of thought that claims that "what a man can do... a woman can do better." this belief has single handedly pushed me into behaving in a certain way, acting and reacting to issues in a certain way and seeing men in a certain light. In essence, my feminism blinded me to some things that otherwise would have been picked up by my rather intelligent mind(i like to think I'm intelligent, don't burst my bubble if you think differently. ;-)   )
As a feminist, I used to complain that mothers... especially African mothers bring up their daughters strictly to be wives. They make the Girls learn to cook, clean, wash, And take care of little ones. Almost as if these things are the keys to a happy marriage. I used to complain bitterly about the obvious carefree attitude with which young boys are brought up and the obvious free reign they get from parents and guardians. Girls in contrast are brought up in a strict enviroment... trained to be subservient and obedient to husbands, discouraged from ambitious jobs and made to think that the ultimate purpose of a woman should be to be married with children. I used to be so angry at all these things that if I was just a shade lighter than dark, you might see the blood rushing under my facial skin.
But then...I woke up this morning after a long time of being blank and the thoughts that found its way to my mind were thoughts of a comment that was passed by a man who was observing me and thought I was out of earshot. " she is more of a man that a woman!"' he had said and at first I was... flattered.
This morning, it occurred to me that that statement was not in anyway complimentary. In fact, it was near insulting. I am a woman, I dress like one, I look every inch like one, (forget the flat front and back) I walk like one, I have the voice of a woman, ive never wanted to be a man, (except of course in those Christmas plays where a boy gets to play Joseph all the time. Why can't I play Joseph for a change) And I don't think I will ever want to be a man. (at least not in this life)
Somehow in my blind feminism, I had forgotten that the point of being a feminist woman is to first be a female. And in this case, in my thoughts, my actions, my arguments about life and even my choice of friends, pets, and drinks, I find myself getting nearer to being a man. So I ask myself... is that the goal?
Is the whole point of feminism to be "equal" to a man or to "be" a man? Because if it is to be equal to a man... we ARE equal to men... on many levels, but I see more feminist advocating for women to be men rather than to be equal to me these days and it is not difficult to see the slow but sure effects it is starting to have on our society.
First, lets ask... what is it that makes a woman a "woman"...?
Many will tell you many things... I am one of those many so you don't have to take my word for it but as far as I am concerned, the major deference between a man and a woman... is not in the physical features as many like to think... because if it is... it would be almost impossible for men to mimic a woman's body features as outrageously as they do these days. Rather the unique difference between a man and a woman is the mental, psychological and spiritual composition that makes one to need the other so badly. A man's natural instinct is to guard... a woman's natural instinct is to guide. This is because a man's physical strength is more suited to the role of guarding and a woman's sweet loving patience is better suited to guiding. It had taken the human species millions of years to evolve and evolution has helped bring out our strengths. And re assign our weaknesses. A woman would just naturally know her little one better, would see her little one more clearly, would understand their needs more innately... this is not to say a father does not also love his little one, but what does he do to show his affection,,, he builds shelter, he provides food, he protects. These roles can of course be switched and interchanged due to circumstances and powers beyond our control, or maybe within our control. But then, it would not come naturally to a man to check the diaper of a baby for wetness if the baby would not stop crying, it will not come naturally to a man to put a baby over his knees and pat his back to help him belch/ prevent constipation... it won't come naturally to a man to put his mouth over a baby's nose and pull out sputum and blockages if the baby is fussy and finding it difficult to breath. A man can learn,,, a man can make efforts, but a man can never be a woman. The same thing goes for women who try to take on men's roles.
We are different, two pieces of a puzzle that will only fit if they are different. The match can only be made if we are different as there is really no point in having two dad's in the house. The double dose of dad will not be healthy for the baby and this explains why even amongst gay couple, one would seem rather feminine and the other masculine.
Women these days take on jobs that take them far away from the home... jobs that afford them little time to be with their families and gives them less feminine considerations. These jobs are taken because it affords the woman more room for ambition and allows the woman to take home more cash. There is nothing wrong with having money or ambition for that matter, the problem that I have is that these jobs then go on to take away a woman's femininity and she comes home each night, having lost yet another bit of her feminine side. Most of these jobs do not afford maternity leave and do not take into account the fact that a woman who is nursing a baby might need more than one lunch break. These jobs often do not afford workers the chance to go home earlier than 6pm and thus leaves the children distant from the mother who is naturally wired to be close to them. The thing is a man will not become a woman simply because his woman is turning into a man, he might try to do the things necessary for his children, but nothing will beat your place in the lives of the kids and this single fact can go a long way in determining how your children turn out to be.

Difference does not erase equality, difference does not make you inferior to your man, rather it is in your difference that you find the things that give you the leverage that you think you might find out there when you try to mimic a man.it is in our soft breasts that our babies find nutrition and even though a man can bottle feed the baby, nothing will ever be the same as you. Breastfeeding your baby at the expense of a job does not lower you, it raises you above the quest for money and fame above which your husband might never be able to rise because he is just not wired to!
He is different, but with that difference comes weaknesses and strengths. The only thing is that he has been able to make the most of his strengths while down playing his weaknesses, that is exactly what you should do.
I understand that the absence of a (responsible) man in the home might push the mother to want to take on the roles of a man, and I utterly respect women who step into these shoes and actually pull it off, but in cases where the men are available and responsible please let the man be a man and you be a woman. Don't try to be him, if he wanted another man... he knows where the men are. He chose you for you and you chose him for him... don't forget the first rule of attraction, DIFFERENCE!
All I have said above do not place you at a position of subservience to him, you are the other item that needs to go on the scale for balance to occur, you cannot afford to be masculine, it will tip the scale dangerously, this is not to say women should not be ambitious... rather, women and more importantly, girls should be made to understand the true facts behind certain jobs and occupational lines. Maybe if they know what they are getting into, they will make the same choices, maybe they wont... it is not left for us to decide, lets stop encouraging girls to be men, you have to be feminine for feminism to affect you, becoming a man is not feminism, understanding, appreciating and enjoying yourself as a female is feminism.
The logic in feminism is to understand that you are different from a man, to appreciate your difference and to not be apologetic for it. It does not make you dependent to expect your man to provide for his family... that is his role, he is naturally wired to do that. You should not apologize for expecting your man to fix the leaking roof, it's his role... but then do not expect him to understand the intricacies and politics of understanding a child's body and mind... it's not his thing, he can learn out of interest and genuine love for his children, but nature has made you the jack of that trade. Women should stop trying not to be labelled as "gold digggers" You are MEANT to be a "gold digger". Don't apologise for it. If you feel that your requirement for a husband is a man that can afford to change your car every seven months, then my sister go for that... if a man that has his own house and two cars is your standard... then go for it. Don't marry a man that cannot provide for you and your children. If you do, you will eventually have to take on the role of a man and this will kill your femininity. You are female, remain so. Remain proud and till next time we meet, remain blessed.

It is interesting how life often turns out. Again, I got confronted by the choices i make, and again I am proud to say I learned from my mistakes. A friend of mine met a guy recently on a social media and well, one led to two and a few weeks later while she happened to be in the same town he lived, she visited. Before this meeting, they had agreed to date and the visit was like a "meet and appraise him, decide if he's what you want" kind of meeting. It was a  busy day, the day they met. Even after they had met, they didn't get to settle down and really say much to each other. Later that evening, while they sat down side by side, the first thing he did was make sexual advances towards her. She rebuffed it of course and it set him in a foul mood. The whole affair was embarrassing to say the least. Having gotten the impression that he was a disciplined guy who was looking for something real and maybe true. She was grossly disappointed and disillusioned. After they parted, she started thinking.
"Is it that i was wrong in my reading and perception of this guy?
Is it that I presented myself in a way that encouraged him to behave in that manner?
Was it something I said?
Was it what I wore?
Did I look at this guy and see what I wanted to see and not what was there to be seen?"
All. Of her thoughts were channelled towards one thing only: that there is something wrong with her, that she had passed the wrong impression etc...
It just never occurred to her that it might be his fault. That there might be something wrong with him and not her. That he might have made efforts to deceive her, that she might have been just what she ought to have been. That he might be the one without morals.
Anyways, she was feeling very bad and I tried to make her see reason, but the more I pacified, the deeper she sunk into that abyss of depression that women are so easy to Topple into. Eventually, out of frustration, I decided to leave her in the house and go out. Presumably to clear my head, I came back with the following opinion.
She had been too eager to see him. My friend had fallen into the category of girls who start planning the wedding five minutes after Meeting a man online, offline or wherever. She was tilting towards the desperate side even though she was young and had quite a bit of time on her hands to meet a man. Maybe due to pressure from home, or maybe she was just less ambitious than I thought she was, my friend was packing quite a bit of societal ills typically female vices.
On the other hand, the guy was a bit of an asshole. Self absorbed arrogant bastard who thought himself too irresistible. He obviously had a self esteem that tilted dangerously toward impossible. He saw her as a creature who was designed strictly for his pleasure and did not see the need to discuss anything. He didn't feel the need to get to know her, her body was another issue entirely. Who can blame him? Our society is one that not only excuses but expects it's men to be animals and a man who is respectful towards women is considered a sissy. Or better put; "woman wrapper"
Our society encourages women to be virtuous but does not encourage it's male population to be the same. Well what can I say... I'm just one person.

Ever wondered why sometimes you feel like your parent(s) are trying to control  you.  Control what you do,  when you do it and who you do it with?
Ever been so angry and frustrated with them? Ever wished you could just pack your bags and leave the house...  ever wanted to just look in their eyes and say "Damn it dad/mom,  its my life!
Well,  my dear,  ve been there...  done that. And this is what I have to say about it.  Remember that my take on this issue is not the final or even a professional opinion.  But if you do not mind taking it from someone like me who is provably ten times more messed up than you,  here it is.

Sometimes ago in a conversation with an older woman,  I asked her why she was so desperate  to have more children,  (she already had two) she told me and I quote
quote; My dear,  a time often comes in a persons life when we look back on our entire existence  and start to feel bad.  We start to think we have absolutely  fucked up.  We start to see our failures more vividly and start to wish we could re do things over again.  This period  is sometimes refered to as the period of the mid life crisis. At this point of your life,  if you have a child or more,  you might be able to see them as a chance for a do over.  A chance to start over and do things right.  These children will become little carbon copies of ourselves that offer us a better chance at life. If you do not have this at this point in life,  a feeling of hopelessnes might set in.
I looked at her and it struck me like thunderbolt.  She had just described what I have witnessed so often in my life and I started to gain insights into why it often seems like our parents are trying to control our lives.  Make us do strictly what they want and nothing else.  It began to dawn on me that in trying to control our lives,  what our parents are actually trying to do is to re-live their lives correct old mistakes and start afresh.  They are attempting to make a grab for a blank slate of sorts.
This is not absolutely  healthy of course because try as they may: to merge our lives and theirs,  we are still individuals  and we have our own mind,  will,  and Destiny  if you will.  But  some people say its the thought of the deed that counts?  If this is even remotely true,  then it will make sense to know that in our parents efforts to control our lives,  there is one thought only;  have to get it right this ti and well,  in its own way,  its not such a bad thing to want to get things right.
Oh...
Before you even say it,  let me tell you that i get its not their life its mine! they have spent their time,  this is mine
Trust me dear I get it.  And I;m not saying that it is good for parents to try  to manipulate  Or control their childrens lies. Im only saying that take it or leave it,  you carry some of their DNA and you might just find yourself falling into the same traps that they did or making the same mistakes that they made.  Letting them guide you is not the worst thing that could happen you know.

On the other hand,  some parents over do it.  They forget that when it comes right down to it,   we are individuals in our own right and we only carry  a part of their DNA  and are not necessarily  going to make the same mistakes they made.  It is important for parents to know that beyond being second chances to do things right,  we are also their first chance at parenting and the aim should not necessarily  be to prevent  us from making mistakes,  the aim should be helping us lead a life that will be free of the burdens of the generations before. Till parents are able to understand that we are individuals  in our own right and treat us as such,  we will be unable to live our  lives to its true potential.  So buckle now if you&re yet to,  its time to understand and love  your parents for their efforts  to make you better than they turned out,  but then it&aupmì;s time to realise that except  you are willing to step out and make your own life,  you will be in their exact shoes in a few years time.

I was lost in thought. It was tuesday and it was becoming clear that. Wednesday might meet me still without decision. Last night, Mom had called into me into her room and with tears in her eyes, (she was trying to hide it) she asked me one question only;
When do you want to get married?
I was confused! I looked at her in my confusion and repeated the key word in her question.
Married?"
Yes married" she repeated. Then before I could show my discomfort at the direction that this conversation was obviously about to take, she continued.
"My baby, I don't. Want you to be out there Too long, you just graduated and  I know you are all about your career right now but I really want you to be married soon"
I was angry, at the fact that she was even talking to me about something like this. But I kinda saw reasons with her so I just walked out of her room with my head bowed.
When I got to my room, I decided to think about what my mom had just said. For God's sake mom... I thought to myself, I'm just twenty two!" I sat down anyway and started to consider who amongst my many boyfriends was most eligible and available at the same time.
There was Kolawole, a final year medical student whom I loved so much and he loved me too! He is so loving, so caring, he didn't bug me and didn't invade my personal space. I love the way we are with each other and to be honest, despite the stress that the long distance had created for our relationship,for whoever gets him, he's a very good catch. But he won't be ready for marriage for another five years or so. If I pressure him a bit, he might do it in three, but I don't want to. I love him and I don't want to put any sort of pressure on him.
Then there is Adedayo. A graduate of microbiology who is so romantic it hurts! He is so gentle and nice, he sometimes has a moment of. Anger but generally, he is a good man who is not afraid of responsibility. He loves me and I kinda love him. But he is also quite ambitious and I don't see him getting married anytime soon. Plus, I don't know if he is a guy. I should even be thinking about in terms of marriage, he has a bit of a womanising streak in him and even though I haven't really caught him, I think... you know what I think.
Then there is Paul. A ready made business owner who claims to love me and want to marry me in about a year's time but I've never seen him before. I know how this sounds but the guy is so sweet and we could talk for hours on the phone. He doesn't seem to ever have enough of me and I kinda like him. Problem is Paul is from Benin and my parents will disapprove of the union. Plus I have political ambitions and therefore need to stay close to my state as much as I can especially in terms of marriage.
Now you see me. Above are the three guys who even come close to the marital table. I of. Course have a few other guys who bug me to death, but here is the basic catalogue.
After I had done this, I thought about what I myself wanted. I thought about the three guys and I constantly found myself wishing this guy were richer and that guy were ready. I found myself wishing I loved that one enough, or that this one were taller. I was confused and I could feel the snout of pressure. Soon, it will be it's belly on my back. Somewhere between my thoughts that morning, it crossed my mind to ask mom why she had been crying, but just I walked upstairs to do just that, I heard the. Gate open and the sound of her car zooming out of the compound. I sighed in disappointment and went to dress up for work. "Maybe she was having a moment." I thought to myself as I bathed my back. But something at that moment filled me with dread. I could feel it... I could sense it. As I stepped out of the shower that morning, my heart was heavy. I didn't know why.
At the office that day around 2pm, my family doctor came over to pay some bills. When he greeted me, he was. Like...
"E ku itoju mommy"
I was like... eerrrrrr yes sir"
and he was about to leave when it occurred to me that he had greeted. Me a bit too solemnly. So I went after him,
Sir..." I said
What exactly is wrong with my mom?"
He looked at me in a bit of a shock and asked...
"You don't know?"
I looked at him askance and he must have seen how confused I was. Cos he pulled me back into my office and said quietly,
Dola, your mom has stage three cervical cancer, I don't know what will happen but I don't know if we will win this battle."
Then he launched into a long explanation of how it all began and through his words, I realised that my mom had only been trying to make sure I was in safe hands before she passed. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and after he left, I was in there for another two hours. The following morning, I made my decision!

why the gap between the rich and the poor will conntinue to widen.

It had all started with nothing. It had all started from nowhere and even though everyone had theories about everything, when it comes right down to it, we know in our hearts of hearts that only the most minor things are actually important. So I ask myself , what is so wrong with our society that makes us all groan under the weight of the economy? Why is it that poverty and its accompanying siblings in the persons of disease, teenage pregnancies, illiteracy, ignorance... Etc are actually the most wide spread and enduring features of our beloved country? Why are graduates becoming okada riders and car wash attendants? Why are our girls becoming little better than prostitutes every day? In asking all these questions, i do not intend to judge any line of profession, for as long as you do not harm your fellow human, in my opinion you are okay. So in my critical assessment of society, I find some very salient causes of poverty, which unfortunately we all overlook all the time. Do you know why there is such a huge gap between the rich and the poor? Because the poor are not making efforts to cross the gaps. They stay and remain in their status almost as if they prefer it. You go to a Nigerian market and find a fully grown man with a small tray of nuts. Everything on the tray would amount to less than 1000 naira and that is his wares for the day. This same man probably has two wives and quite a few kids. Its in my society that you find teenagers between thirteen and nineteen who just wake up and sleep and hang out. We neglect to teach them responsibility and the concept of having your own money. Its in my society that you'll find a man and his wife who live in a one room apartment, and have four or five children. Its in my society that you find a grocery store worth about say 10000 today, and in five months time, its worth as low as 2000. Its in my society that people place more priority on aso ebi than children's school fees and books. Its in my society that you find people in a prayer mountain on Monday morning. Don't get me wrong... Prayer is good... But a mountain on a Monday morning? What is god gonna do, send someone to give you a million naira on the mountain? Every mishap around here is an attack. A spiritual attack. If you die in an accident because you were drunk driving, they accuse the witch. If you burn your house down cos Ure dumb enough to leave a pressing iron plugged in on your rug, its your wicked step mother at work, If you lose all your money because you invested in a business that is on fire, its the jealous people who don't like you. I am confronted with a society where nobody takes responsibility... We all blame each other. We blame the government... The witches... The rich folks... Mediocrity flows freely in and out of us like water through a straw and worse still, we Dont try to make things better. We just grumble and complain every day. If you spend four years in a university studying business and then come out to complain about unemployment, you need serious help. If the government won't help us, what stops us from living anyway? Wasn't there a time when there was no government? Didn't people live? And didn't some get richer and some got poorer? What is to make us better than animals for even animals find alternatives to live when their human masters do not take care of them? Will this maze of foolishness continue? A woman was telling me about her unemployed husband who only stays home when there's food on the table. I'm sorry people... If you have a spouse like the above described one, leave them! They will pull you down and destroy you. He doesn't have a job and yet drives a car... How does he finance it? He claims hes waiting for funds to start a business... Y not sell the car? But no. He prefers to sleep and wake up and worse still he won't help with the kids. Either man or woman, the world we live in is not one where someone should wait on god for financial help. God will not leave the people who are actually making efforts to help you who are more or less sitting in your haunches waiting for him to give you business capital. People I suggest we grow up or continue to grow broke!

questioning reality vs dreams1

I'm walking towards a hill, a steep sloppy hill. Between me and this hill is a deep gulf. So deep that I don't see the bottom. I stand there a while, wondering what to do. The gulf is to wide to put a bridge on, the hill contains my source of life force. I stand there in a dilemma. It doesn't look like anyone is around, yet I see around this gulf a thousand foot prints. A sure evidence of people's intrusion on the otherwise quiet and deserted terrain. I walk a few paces to the left, a few paces backward, forward and right. Somehow, by some folly that I do not understand not care to understand. I get it into my head that I can jump across. So I step back a bit and give myself a head start, as we all fear, I fall right into the pit. And down, deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper I fall, with no bottom in sight for minutes unending! The wait is killing me, I just want to touch bottom and die already! Just as I'm about to give up, (not that there's much I can do about touching bottom anyway!) I touch bottom with a PLOP!!! Lo and behold, I'm in my own stomach. The pit I fell into is in my stomach! Not a pretty sight I assure you all. And no, this isn't a dream I can wake up from. This is happening as real as daylight. But how real is daylight?