waiting for the ring or waiting for Godot?

Should you really be waiting for that ring with bated breath?


Good morning people. It's the beginning of another week and I'm here again to bother you with issues that many would rather not discuss. I know I can be annoying, but isn't that one one of the things you love about me?
The issue in our discussion board today is that of the progression of relationships between opposite sexes. Now, as we all already know... the standard traditional marriage process in Africa is that of the betrothal. Where the couple might be betrothed for years without even knowing each other... well, times have changed and so have societal values on how a couple should get married. These days, the western standards of moving a relationship from the point of "relationship" to the point of marriage has taken over the former standards and even though the western standard is interesting and romantic on many levels, it often leads to uncertainty and many years of wasted efforts both body and soul wise.
The western standards encourage you to start from nothing, maybe remain at "nothing" for a while before moving on to the "relationship". Then when you are in the relationship... you have to just roll with the tides and wait for the man to propose with a beautiful jewel.

The African traditions take different stands. If i take the Yoruba people of West African Nigeria for example, it is believed that the moment you walk up to a girl, you are a minimum of 40% sure about her. The rest of the job is done by your family who then conduct an extensive research on the girl and as soon as they are satisfied that she isn't likely to have inherited any terrible disease or behaviour from her ancestors, they approach her family on your behalf and if all goes well, the dates for the wedding is soon set. It is not a rare thing for a young man to approach a lady and then lose interest, but then... it is also not common.
These days we see people who post questions on social media, asking advice on how to get "the ring" or a "proposal" from their beloved. It is heart breaking because often times, these are people who have invested, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and even spiritually in their "relationship". This then poses a dilemma on if they should just talk to their partner about marriage (since he's not taking that lead) or wait patiently in the fear of being perceived as wayward or forward.
The media has not helped much as ladies who try to define relationships from the start are often labelled as "desperate" as portrayed in a song recently... according to the rapper, these ladies say "we might not get to date if you don't pick a date" and we all sing along without understanding the depth of the lyrics of the song. The truth is, the idea of not getting to "date" if he doesn't "pick a date" is the ideal idea. Though not meant to be literal...
It is important to know what you're doing before starting to do it. If you are having a casual sexual relationship, then be sure about it... if your own thing is a friendship that was never meant to become sexual, then clarify that... but if you are dating with the hope and possible intent of tying the knot someday soon, then my dear... Know what you are getting into. Be clear from the beginning.
Don't join the clique of people who say "the start doesn't matter, what matters is where we are going".
My question is, if you do not know where you are coming from, how can you claim to even have an idea where you are going?
When the lady in that song said "see me see trouble, Oga you must marry me o... we've been dating for many years now you want to leave me follow Bola..."
She was depicting the height of emotions that run through the soul of the woman scorned. In order to NOT be in the shoes of the character she depicted... better "pick a date before you start to date".


See you soon in the second part of this discussion. Adios!!!

you dont need to be a man to be equal to a man.

Before I write this... I know that majority of people who know me know that I am a strong feminist with rigid beliefs about issues of equality in society and most obviously... marriage. This article does not make me any less of a feminist. It just brings another light to how I practice and see feminism. Happy reading.


For a few years... especially since I have fully grasped the idea of feminism and started exploring it from different angles, obviously trying to find one that perfectly matches my idea and ideal of what feminism should be, I have been of the school of thought that claims that "what a man can do... a woman can do better." this belief has single handedly pushed me into behaving in a certain way, acting and reacting to issues in a certain way and seeing men in a certain light. In essence, my feminism blinded me to some things that otherwise would have been picked up by my rather intelligent mind(i like to think I'm intelligent, don't burst my bubble if you think differently. ;-)   )
As a feminist, I used to complain that mothers... especially African mothers bring up their daughters strictly to be wives. They make the Girls learn to cook, clean, wash, And take care of little ones. Almost as if these things are the keys to a happy marriage. I used to complain bitterly about the obvious carefree attitude with which young boys are brought up and the obvious free reign they get from parents and guardians. Girls in contrast are brought up in a strict enviroment... trained to be subservient and obedient to husbands, discouraged from ambitious jobs and made to think that the ultimate purpose of a woman should be to be married with children. I used to be so angry at all these things that if I was just a shade lighter than dark, you might see the blood rushing under my facial skin.
But then...I woke up this morning after a long time of being blank and the thoughts that found its way to my mind were thoughts of a comment that was passed by a man who was observing me and thought I was out of earshot. " she is more of a man that a woman!"' he had said and at first I was... flattered.
This morning, it occurred to me that that statement was not in anyway complimentary. In fact, it was near insulting. I am a woman, I dress like one, I look every inch like one, (forget the flat front and back) I walk like one, I have the voice of a woman, ive never wanted to be a man, (except of course in those Christmas plays where a boy gets to play Joseph all the time. Why can't I play Joseph for a change) And I don't think I will ever want to be a man. (at least not in this life)
Somehow in my blind feminism, I had forgotten that the point of being a feminist woman is to first be a female. And in this case, in my thoughts, my actions, my arguments about life and even my choice of friends, pets, and drinks, I find myself getting nearer to being a man. So I ask myself... is that the goal?
Is the whole point of feminism to be "equal" to a man or to "be" a man? Because if it is to be equal to a man... we ARE equal to men... on many levels, but I see more feminist advocating for women to be men rather than to be equal to me these days and it is not difficult to see the slow but sure effects it is starting to have on our society.
First, lets ask... what is it that makes a woman a "woman"...?
Many will tell you many things... I am one of those many so you don't have to take my word for it but as far as I am concerned, the major deference between a man and a woman... is not in the physical features as many like to think... because if it is... it would be almost impossible for men to mimic a woman's body features as outrageously as they do these days. Rather the unique difference between a man and a woman is the mental, psychological and spiritual composition that makes one to need the other so badly. A man's natural instinct is to guard... a woman's natural instinct is to guide. This is because a man's physical strength is more suited to the role of guarding and a woman's sweet loving patience is better suited to guiding. It had taken the human species millions of years to evolve and evolution has helped bring out our strengths. And re assign our weaknesses. A woman would just naturally know her little one better, would see her little one more clearly, would understand their needs more innately... this is not to say a father does not also love his little one, but what does he do to show his affection,,, he builds shelter, he provides food, he protects. These roles can of course be switched and interchanged due to circumstances and powers beyond our control, or maybe within our control. But then, it would not come naturally to a man to check the diaper of a baby for wetness if the baby would not stop crying, it will not come naturally to a man to put a baby over his knees and pat his back to help him belch/ prevent constipation... it won't come naturally to a man to put his mouth over a baby's nose and pull out sputum and blockages if the baby is fussy and finding it difficult to breath. A man can learn,,, a man can make efforts, but a man can never be a woman. The same thing goes for women who try to take on men's roles.
We are different, two pieces of a puzzle that will only fit if they are different. The match can only be made if we are different as there is really no point in having two dad's in the house. The double dose of dad will not be healthy for the baby and this explains why even amongst gay couple, one would seem rather feminine and the other masculine.
Women these days take on jobs that take them far away from the home... jobs that afford them little time to be with their families and gives them less feminine considerations. These jobs are taken because it affords the woman more room for ambition and allows the woman to take home more cash. There is nothing wrong with having money or ambition for that matter, the problem that I have is that these jobs then go on to take away a woman's femininity and she comes home each night, having lost yet another bit of her feminine side. Most of these jobs do not afford maternity leave and do not take into account the fact that a woman who is nursing a baby might need more than one lunch break. These jobs often do not afford workers the chance to go home earlier than 6pm and thus leaves the children distant from the mother who is naturally wired to be close to them. The thing is a man will not become a woman simply because his woman is turning into a man, he might try to do the things necessary for his children, but nothing will beat your place in the lives of the kids and this single fact can go a long way in determining how your children turn out to be.

Difference does not erase equality, difference does not make you inferior to your man, rather it is in your difference that you find the things that give you the leverage that you think you might find out there when you try to mimic a man.it is in our soft breasts that our babies find nutrition and even though a man can bottle feed the baby, nothing will ever be the same as you. Breastfeeding your baby at the expense of a job does not lower you, it raises you above the quest for money and fame above which your husband might never be able to rise because he is just not wired to!
He is different, but with that difference comes weaknesses and strengths. The only thing is that he has been able to make the most of his strengths while down playing his weaknesses, that is exactly what you should do.
I understand that the absence of a (responsible) man in the home might push the mother to want to take on the roles of a man, and I utterly respect women who step into these shoes and actually pull it off, but in cases where the men are available and responsible please let the man be a man and you be a woman. Don't try to be him, if he wanted another man... he knows where the men are. He chose you for you and you chose him for him... don't forget the first rule of attraction, DIFFERENCE!
All I have said above do not place you at a position of subservience to him, you are the other item that needs to go on the scale for balance to occur, you cannot afford to be masculine, it will tip the scale dangerously, this is not to say women should not be ambitious... rather, women and more importantly, girls should be made to understand the true facts behind certain jobs and occupational lines. Maybe if they know what they are getting into, they will make the same choices, maybe they wont... it is not left for us to decide, lets stop encouraging girls to be men, you have to be feminine for feminism to affect you, becoming a man is not feminism, understanding, appreciating and enjoying yourself as a female is feminism.
The logic in feminism is to understand that you are different from a man, to appreciate your difference and to not be apologetic for it. It does not make you dependent to expect your man to provide for his family... that is his role, he is naturally wired to do that. You should not apologize for expecting your man to fix the leaking roof, it's his role... but then do not expect him to understand the intricacies and politics of understanding a child's body and mind... it's not his thing, he can learn out of interest and genuine love for his children, but nature has made you the jack of that trade. Women should stop trying not to be labelled as "gold digggers" You are MEANT to be a "gold digger". Don't apologise for it. If you feel that your requirement for a husband is a man that can afford to change your car every seven months, then my sister go for that... if a man that has his own house and two cars is your standard... then go for it. Don't marry a man that cannot provide for you and your children. If you do, you will eventually have to take on the role of a man and this will kill your femininity. You are female, remain so. Remain proud and till next time we meet, remain blessed.

It is interesting how life often turns out. Again, I got confronted by the choices i make, and again I am proud to say I learned from my mistakes. A friend of mine met a guy recently on a social media and well, one led to two and a few weeks later while she happened to be in the same town he lived, she visited. Before this meeting, they had agreed to date and the visit was like a "meet and appraise him, decide if he's what you want" kind of meeting. It was a  busy day, the day they met. Even after they had met, they didn't get to settle down and really say much to each other. Later that evening, while they sat down side by side, the first thing he did was make sexual advances towards her. She rebuffed it of course and it set him in a foul mood. The whole affair was embarrassing to say the least. Having gotten the impression that he was a disciplined guy who was looking for something real and maybe true. She was grossly disappointed and disillusioned. After they parted, she started thinking.
"Is it that i was wrong in my reading and perception of this guy?
Is it that I presented myself in a way that encouraged him to behave in that manner?
Was it something I said?
Was it what I wore?
Did I look at this guy and see what I wanted to see and not what was there to be seen?"
All. Of her thoughts were channelled towards one thing only: that there is something wrong with her, that she had passed the wrong impression etc...
It just never occurred to her that it might be his fault. That there might be something wrong with him and not her. That he might have made efforts to deceive her, that she might have been just what she ought to have been. That he might be the one without morals.
Anyways, she was feeling very bad and I tried to make her see reason, but the more I pacified, the deeper she sunk into that abyss of depression that women are so easy to Topple into. Eventually, out of frustration, I decided to leave her in the house and go out. Presumably to clear my head, I came back with the following opinion.
She had been too eager to see him. My friend had fallen into the category of girls who start planning the wedding five minutes after Meeting a man online, offline or wherever. She was tilting towards the desperate side even though she was young and had quite a bit of time on her hands to meet a man. Maybe due to pressure from home, or maybe she was just less ambitious than I thought she was, my friend was packing quite a bit of societal ills typically female vices.
On the other hand, the guy was a bit of an asshole. Self absorbed arrogant bastard who thought himself too irresistible. He obviously had a self esteem that tilted dangerously toward impossible. He saw her as a creature who was designed strictly for his pleasure and did not see the need to discuss anything. He didn't feel the need to get to know her, her body was another issue entirely. Who can blame him? Our society is one that not only excuses but expects it's men to be animals and a man who is respectful towards women is considered a sissy. Or better put; "woman wrapper"
Our society encourages women to be virtuous but does not encourage it's male population to be the same. Well what can I say... I'm just one person.